Dieting During the Dot: Supplements for PMS

Hormones. They are capable of making you look and feel like an irresistible, youthful, selfie-taking runway goddess of power and poise.

They are also notorious for transforming you into a hairy, half-starved, Viking Cow of Despair.

Now that I am in my mid thirties, I notice these "symptoms" far more than I ever did in my twenties. Trying to stay on the nutritional track when we are preparing to surf the crimson tide, well, that's when you can (and will) succumb to the powers of ass-sitting, wine, and Doritos. And while it's true that our bodies burn extra calories during PMS, it's not enough to compensate for those Pop Tarts you just crammed down your throat after work.

Lucky for you, I have found a few supplements and products that help me calm the Half-Starved Viking Cow... and they may just help you calm yours? I've been taking supplements BEFORE Dr. Oz made the main stream. 

Click the picture for a link to the Pinterest pin with over 6.5k pins

This is the part where I tell you that I am not a licensed nutritional anything, and you must use your best judgement when testing these products. I'm just the Guinea Pig. Always give the family practitioner a heads-up about your supplement experimentation. Tell her I said, "Hi." Remember: Supplements take time to work. It's not magic. Give them a few weeks. Likewise, what works for my inner Half Starved Viking Cow, may not work for yours.  

Experiment:
I decided to stop taking these supplements all together for two months. My husband, who happens to be Cpt. Pessimism about things holistically related, said he didn't think it was plausible for these to be doing anything; Which is code for, 

"You're still a bitch, Kert. Stop kidding yourself." 

Okay. Maybe I'm imagining all of this "relief?" Game on. 

I stopped taking them. All of them. And it was hell. Easily had the worst PMS/ periods in my life. He retracted his argument after this experiment was all over and done with. Trust me. 

These supplements DO help. Now... if this heifer could get a salt lick loaded with estrogen, that would be terrific. Until then, I do this: 

Flaxseed- Tame the Hungry Beast 
Flax is a phytoestrogen, or, a dietary estrogen. They aren't the real biological thing, but, phytoestrogens are comprised of plant compounds that our endocrine system accepts. Long story short: The consumption of flaxseed, especially during the dot, influences estrogen metabolism.

Lemme break it down for you: Much like a Donald Trump polygraph test, our estrogen levels are all over the damn place during PMS. When estrogen production plummets, that's when ovulation is over, and our period starts to kick-in. You probably notice that by the first day of your period, you start to feel better? The 7-14 days in-between can be rough... that's where Flaxseed comes into play.

Flax helps to fool your system into thinking it has the estrogen it needs to soothe the savage beast and relax the food cravings. I like to incorporate as much whole flaxseed as I can- Food and smoothies. Flaxseed also happens to be a plant-based protein with antioxidants that slow the aging process. Win/win. Feel free to google it. Can't go wrong with this stuff. Want a great recipe that curbs craving as has a good amount of flax? Try my Whey Protein nuggets: No added sugar, 240 calories per serving, 5g of protein, and loaded with dietary estrogen.

Magnesium, Magnesium, MAGNESIUM!!! "Soothe your Swole, bruh."

I cannot stress this particular supplement enough. Magnesium is arguably the most underutilized mineral in the human body.  I take one erry-damn-day. During the dot... I take two. Why? Glad you asked.

My red blood cell levels are extremely low during this time. In fact, most practitioners agree that just about all PMS-ers red blood cell levels are low. Our bodies go through a lot during this period-thing. Don't down play it. We have a reason to be bitchy. The drop in cell production means cramps, back aches, bloating... you get the picture. Magnesium is a tried-and-true muscle relaxer and mood enhancer. It "soothes my swole" and my racing brain. Likewise, it helps me sleep and helps digest the food in lieu of being stored as fat. That's right, magnesium is a natural fat blocker. Particularly belly fat. And chances are pretty high that you aren't getting enough. Magnesium is ranked as one of those minerals that most adults are not getting enough of. Mind you, not all Magnesiums are made the same. I've narrowed it down to the two that help with dieting and strength building.

Magnesium Chelate: Higher absorption rate for active individuals.

or

Magnesium Citrate: A digestion support super star.

I tried the higher absorption mag and found that, while it helps me fall asleep and relax faster,  it gives me a stiff neck and a headache when I wake up. Feel free to be your own guinea pig on this'n. Again, my body is different than yours.

Before the dot, I take 650mg (two 250mg pills + my multi vitamin) every day leading up to the first sight of spotting. When my period starts, I go back to my normal dose of 400mg. According to my doc, if you are below a 6 on the red blood cell test, you are deficient. If you don't want to go through all of the blood testing, ask yourself: Are you tired, angry and sore? Do you eat a metric shit-ton of super green things a few times a day? If you answered yes and no... get some magnesium.

Likewise, after a serious workout, our muscles are drained. You may want to consider a magnesium soak. Get yourself a bag of Dr. Teal's epsom salt, run a nice hot bath, put a cup or so in... and relax. The body soaks up the magnesium and that hormonal backache will thank you for it! You will sleep better than ever. If your estrogen levels are heavier than a Sam Smith ballad, I have another thing to try.

Melatonin's cure for the sleep deprived PMS-er. 

I have one hell of a time sleeping when I'm PMSing. This stuff is gold when it comes to helping relieve my IBS: Irritable Bitch Syndrome.

In addition to magnesium, I use extended release melatonin during my PMS insomnia. I have tried the regular stuff- not the same. I wake up by 2am.

Extended release is the way to go!

When I toss and turn and don't get enough sleep... my PMS symptoms are off the chain. Naturally occurring melatonin levels are, you guessed it, super low during PMS. Once again, menstruation takes a lot out of the female body. All this hormonal stuff takes a toll on us that only gets agitated with age. Melatonin is an excellent example of an aging hormone, as it decreases in production as we get older. What exactly is melatonin and just who the hell figures this stuff out?

Melatonin is a brain hormone/antioxidant that is... well... fueled by light. Crazy right?

Stay with me.

Humans have this thing called a circadian rhythm. It is your inner clock. Exposing yourself to too much bright light at night, or not enough during the day, drops your melatonin levels. As we discussed earlier, red blood cell counts are low during PMS and those red blood cells help that melatonin flow. Low red blood cells + low melatonin = no sleep for Kertney.  That's where a melatonin supplement comes in handy.

Sleep is also a key component to successful weight management. When you are well rested, you can accomplish so much more and you are more apt to stick to the script. I do, however, end up feeling a tad groggy the following morning when the alarm sounds, but, it wears right off.  Sleep is a CRUCIAL element for maintaining a healthy disposition. Insomnia is a key contributor to depression and anxiety. Two things that those PMS hormones love clinging to.

St. Johns Wort Cures the CrayCray. 

I'm a transparent broad. I will tell you how I feel and I will always give it to you straight-up with a

touch of sarcasm. Before the dot, however, there is no humor. Only despair. I am an emotional PM Mess. I am angry. I am sad. I am forgetful. I am anxious. I am quiet. I am loud. I am all over the goddamn place.

Seven days before the dot, I will straight-up overanalyze all of the conversations I have had that day, the day before, years past,  and scrutinize all of things that I have absolutely no control over. Social media becomes a judgmental outlet of contempt for yours truly and I will twiddle my thumbs about shit that I would never care about post period. I am a mess. And if any of my crazy sounds like your crazy... This is where Natural Xanex comes into play. And boy does it help.

St. Johns Wort is something that I take ONLY during PMS.You are probably wondering why I didn't just get evaluated for BCP or antidepressants?

I have taken birth control pills for PMS. I have taken antidepressants for PMS. They make me tired and fat. I gained 10lbs after less than two months of antidepressants. I did not have the will to do anything. Didn't care. And that's not good. We should all have a good, healthy dose of self awareness. I take one in the evening, only during PMS. Antidepressants can be a game changer- both good and bad. St Johns Wort is my natural mood enhancer. I use something else, too...

Synthetic Progesterone

As previously stated: I no longer need birth control. I do not like birth control. And however much it soothes my savage beast, it turns me into a hunched over TWD character, thus killing Kertney, and her libido... much like Negan is gonna kill Maggie. (Yeah, I called it) No bueno. If you have taken other roads to prevent pregnancy, and the pill is no longer beneficial, try some pretend estrogen cream. It really, really does help. A bat named Lucille may do the trick, too. (Oh no she did'n)

Natural progestin is, once again, a plant based hormone. A synthetic hormone. It helps to ease mood, cramps, water retention, headaches,  sleep, anxiety, menstrual cycle regularity and hot flashes... it's the holy grail of Hormone Replacement Therapy. And no, all HRT isn't bad. It all depends on the hormone. And this one happens to be fake. But the body can't tell.

Hormone replacement therapy got a bad rap back in the early 2000's with breast cancer dogma. Like I said before, synthetic progesterone is different. All hormones are not created equally. This plant oil cream regulates the thyroid gland, balances out estrogen, and is safe to use, especially if you aren't into swallowing supplements. I slather this stuff on after a shower and ONLY during the week(s) leading up to my period. If you have a smart phone, get yourself a free ovulation/ period tracker app. Yes. There's an app for even that. There's the ever popular "cervical mucus" calculator, so... you can... uh... I got nothing. I'm sure it's a baby-making-thing.  nyway, get yourself one of these apps and it will track your periods for you, so you can prepare for your PMS fueled pantry pillage and when to use your PMS cream. Better yet, make your significant other get the app so there's no excuse for them to question your... um... behavioral influx.

How do you know if you need it? Estrogen dominance has all of the tell tale symptoms: bloating, tender breasts, mood swings, cramps, backache... you name it. And if you are nodding your head to all of this right now, shaking your fist to the ceiling, while crying into your chardonnay, licking the Cheetos fuzz off of your fingers... this is the lotion for you.

Sweat the Bitch Out

Last but not least... EXERCISE!! Seriously. I want you to bitch all the way around the block, in the car on the way to the gym, or cuss me out during Mixxedfit or in the squat rack.  I guarantee that you will feel better once you release those serotonin hormones during some cardio. Sweat that hairy, viking cow right on out of your body. Be sure to drink a ton of water and watch your sodium intake. You will bloat like crazy if you don't. If you just don't have the energy to do so, try a few of my tricks to get you up off of the couch. 

 Trust me on this viking-thing. My sis did a DNA test. Turns out my Viking rage is inherited.  So, I am a natural expert. In the meantime, I'm going to eat a few phytoestrogen laden banana nuggets and pluck some hairs off of my chin... or I'll braid them? Either way.

Cheers, hons!

Roasted Red Pepper Crockpot Marinara

The thing about store bought marinara is that most varieties are loaded with bullshit: sugar, preservatives, salt, salt and more salt.

Make my marinara. It is clean, fresh, vegetarian, and it tastes amazing. Add the remaining sauce to some glass jars and stick them in the freezer until you need them again. You'll never need store bought again. You won't want it. I got all of my ingredients at Trader Joes. Cost me all of $6 to make at least 3 jars of organic (yes, I used that word) marinara.

• 1 large 12oz can of whole tomatoes 
• 1 Small can of tomato paste
• 1/2 jar of roasted red peppers
• 1/2 can of water (use the tomato can)
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1 heaping tbsp raw sugar or 2 tsp Agave Syrup 
• 4-5 cloves of freshly peeled garlic (whole clove, not pressed) 
• 10 fresh basil leaves
• Pinch of Fennel seed *optional, but it gives the sauce a beautiful flavor*
• 3 tsp pepper
• 2 tbsp sea salt

Crockpot meals aren't rocket surgery... and that's why I love them with every fiver of my being.

It's pretty simple really. Add all of the above ingredients into a crock pot. You can do the next step one of two ways:

**1) If you are preparing this before work- let it crock on low heat until you get home. 
**2) Or, if you please, let it crock on high heat for 3 hours and low heat for 1 hour. 

Up to you. It's a "set-it-and-forget-it" sauce. Nothing to get worked up about time-wise when it's on low all day.  It all depends on what time you serve dinner. The trick to a fantastic sauce is minimal, fresh ingredients.... and letting those flavors slow cook. 

Once it's happy and warm, add the crocked marinara, in small batches, to a blender or food processor. 

Can't emphasize the "small batch" part enough. It will get all over the damn place. I have ruined too many cute frocks the hard way. Jussayin.

Blend/pulse the mixture well and add your "Sunday Gravy" to some mason jars for later storage.

Aged sourdough baguettes. Yeah, I can make bread and stuff.

Get some pasta going, rip off a hunk of bread,  and presto! Dinner is served, baby. 

If you are looking to preserve this with, say, the 'maters in your garden, check out my Jarring101 page.  AICC2 on Pinterest

Cold Curried CousCous

No intro. Let's just get the damn recipe already.

-Fine, sheesh.

Vegetarian

Healthy

Exotic-ish

If you want something OTHER than the norm at a pot luck, make this. 

Does not disappoint and it's easy.

Serves 4-6 people 

• 1 box plain Near East Couscous
• Veggie stock- I like Better than Bouillon
• Oil

• 1/2 red onion, diced
• 1/4 cup Agave or Honey
• 3 tsp Sweet Curry powder, reserve 1 tsp for later
• 1tsp Turmeric
• 1/3 cup diced carrots

• 3 Green onions, sliced 
• Juice of 1/2 lemon
• 2/3 cup Dried Cranberries
• 1/2 red bell pepper, diced
• 1/2 diced english cucumber 
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro 
• 1/2 cup coconut shavings- unsweetened 

Make the couscous per package instructions, but instead of water, use vegetable stock. When it's boiling, add your carrots, agave or honey, curry powder and turmeric. Next add the couscous. Take it off the heat. Cover. Let it sit for 10 minutes.  

Transfer the couscous to a large bowl and "fork it around" until it loosens up. Haha... "Fork it around." God, I'm a dork.

Add your red onion and dried cranberries and another 1 tsp of curry powder. Refrigerate it for a few hours. Overnight is better. 

When it's cold, add all of the fresh ingredients: green onions, lemon juice, bell pepper, cucumber, coconut and cilantro. Fork it around some more and serve it up! 

Sweet & Tangy Edamame

Super quick healthy-ish recipe time!! 
This edamame is irresistibly sweet, tangy, and somewhat spicy... You won't be able to stop eating them. Even my kids were chowing down. 

• 1 bag o' frozen Edamame 
• 2 cups Canola Oil
• 1/4 tsp powdered ginger
• 1/4 tsp powdered garlic
• 1 tbsp raw sugar
• 1/4 tsp tajin
• Pinch o' salt
• 1/4 tsp cayenne or hot chili peppers
• 1/4 tsp sesame oil

Put your oil in medium sized pot and get it hot. 

While you are waiting, add all of the above dry ingredients into a separate bowl and mix them together.  If you haven't ever used Tajin before, you are missing out my friends. It is a staple in my household for all things that need flavor- chicken, rice, corn, chips, popcorn, broccoli, avocados... you name it, Tajin is delicious on it. Here are a few other recipes where Tajin is used: 

Tomatillo Hummus recipe
Taquitos 
Zesty Avocado Turkey Sammy 


Edamame pods do NOT take long to fry:  60-90 seconds tops! Once your oil is hot and ready, fry them in handfuls for 1 minute. 

Transfer them to a few paper towels (remove some of the oil) and then into a large bowl. Add your sesame oil and your dry rub, and coat your fried edamame.  

Done.   

Want a recipe that is amazing with this edamame? Try my super simple Bulgogi-style Korean beef.  Awesome stuff! 

340 Calorie Beef: Bulgogi-style

Not gonna lie: I crave this recipe. It's so simple and cost friendly to make... and it hits the healthy spot every, single, time. This recipe is low in saturated fat and loaded with lean protein and vegetables. My sister and I get Bulgogi just about every time we go to the Korean market's restaurant side. It is sweet, smoky, and spicy...  I recommend getting all of your ingredients at the Asian Market. Excellent prices on all of your produce, sauces and beef. 

Shout-out to Paldo World in Tacoma, Washington. Love you! 

This recipe takes a whole 20 minutes to prepare and that's because you are waiting for the rice to steam. 


Prep time: 20 minutes
Serves: 2-4 

• 1 pkg thinly sliced beef.  4oz- Sliced in strips. 
• 1/2 tsp freshly grated ginger
• 3 green onions, chopped
• 1 medium onion, peeled and quartered 
• 1 large red bell pepper, chunked 
• 1/2 tsp Salt  
• 2 large garlic pods, crushed
• 1/2 cup frozen peas *optional
• 1-2 tbsp Gochujang depending on how spicy you want it (WTF is this? Chick here)

1. Start your rice. Need a recipe for that? Try my magical rice trick. It's a perfect pot of steamed rice without any measuring instruments whatsoever. Don't start the wok process until the rice is just about steamed. You want your bulgogi to be fresh and the vegetables crunchy. 

2. Rub the garlic, salt, and ginger into your sliced beef and set your wok on high heat. Work the salt, garlic and ginger into the meat like you were a masseuse. Remember to buy the thinnest beef you can buy. You will save yourself a ton of trouble by buying it pre-sliced. 

3. Once the wok is über hot, add the oil and beef. Remember Martin Yan's credo: Hot pan. Cold oil. Food won't e'stick. Sound advice. Completely cook the beef before introducing the vegetables. 

4. Brown your beef in the oil- 3-5 minutes. Add peas. You should have some brown, crispy edges to the beef. Nom, nom...

Here be the nutrition facts. Caloriecount.com

5. Next add your peppers, white onions and Gochujang- sauté well for a minute or two. We want the peppers and onions to be coated in all of the flavor... but still have that crunch. Mushy veggies are no bueno. Note: Only add 1tbsp of the Gochujang and taste it. Need more? Add it. Make this recipe according to YOUR tastebuds, not mine. If I'm coming over for dinner, please add two tablespoons. This stuff is no joke rich and spicy.

6. Garnish with sliced green onions and edamame. Serve over seamed rice. Check out my recipe for OUTSTANDING fried edamame. It has this dry rub that is as addicting as this dish. True dat.  

Whey Protein Nuggets.

If you are looking for a healthy snack that is simple to make, has no added sugar or salt, will fill you up, and tastes like it shouldn't be healthy... look no further.

My sister sent me a similar recipe from a Pinterest pin. I thought it was a great, super easy recipe, but, it needed something? I went ahead and added a few things to make this a better, more action-packed snack to prevent the growl in your stomach. These nuggets are a healthy alternative to banana bread for those decaying bananas in the fruit bowl. 

This is also my favorite pre-workout snack. I eat two with my supplements before I get started. If you are interested in supplements and what you may want to try, check out my page about those: Gym Fuel: Supplements for a meaner sweat and a stronger you. 

These little babies have a great amount of Flaxseed, for example. If you aren't looking into incorporating more Flax into your diet... get on the bandwagon; Easily one of the most health conscious ingredients that you can add to your grocery list. In addition to all of the omega fatty acids and beneficial fiber, these bad boys are known to stabilize estrogen production. These nuggets could help with PMS or menopause symptoms. Hell, all we want is chocolate and sweets, anyway. Might as well hide it in a cookie? And a healthy cookie at that!
Likewise, this cookie has a fair amount of cinnamon. Cinnamon is a well known metabolism booster, among other jaw dropping things. Read all about it here along with a few other vitamins you may want to look into? 

Bake at 350º 12 minutes
yields 35-40 nuggets
Serving size: 2 nuggets

2 scoops of Vanilla Whey Protein
3 *Heaping Tbsp **Peanut Butter
2 ripe Bananas
2.5 cups of rolled Oats
1/2 bag of Dark Chocolate Chips (60% or darker)
1 tbsp Cinnamon
1 cup un-sweetened coconut flakes
2 tbsp Flax seeds


Optional Ingredients
Coco powder and/or raw nuts of your choice. 

Just mix all of the ingredients above. Blend really well. I use a mixer. Use a heaping tablespoon (or a cookie scooper) and dollop them onto a lined cookie sheet. Bake and serve. I keep them in the refrigerator to preserve freshness. They can get funky if you keep them sealed up on the counter too long. 

*Heaping Tablespoons are not level tablespoons. A heaping tablespoon will hold as much of the product as possible. (Which reminds me to jack up the calorie content by a few more calories... and PROTEIN! Holla!) I use an actual tablespoon (not the measure-y kind) for this recipe. Check out this image at Foodie Fresh for an idea.  My friend made these the other day and they came out crunchy and granola-like. Sure, they have a hard outer shell, but they are soft inside. I have a feeling that the crunchiness was  because of the heaping confusion, and that's my bad.

 In defense, her crunchier version was awesome and it made for some FANTASTIC granola! Especially if you were to add some nuts? I will store that information away. Thanks, Erica!

**If you want to cut way back on the sugar, use almond butter or whatever super-healthy-nut-butter you want. There's not much difference between the über healthy stuff and the regular stuff other than flavor. Not that I've noticed, at least. Sometimes it's best to use the stuff that tastes good. To each their own.

My Mom Could Cook, Too.

I'm not your friend. -Mom

Wise, wise words if you ask me. I find myself saying  that very same thing to my own children because I too am not their friend... I'm their mom. No, this isn't a blog about food. Rather, about the woman who cooked my food and, more importantly, the woman who helped me prepare for motherhood myself.

She could cook, too. She would have been 71.

It's safe to assume that women never truly appreciate our mothers until we become one. Vomit-worthy and cliche, I know... but it's true. With motherhood, every kiss definitely does not come from 'Kay' and it isn't exactly a 'Parents' magazine cover. Typically, moms spend most of our time putting out fires. Most of us are one wet wipe away from tear-assing through the front door, screaming obscenities, ridding ourselves of our families once and for all.

Luckily, if you had a mom like mine, you are fortunate enough to have learned all of the necessary mommy tools that dull our natural maternal instinct to kill and eat our young.  Allow me to extend my knowledge of motherhood with you, learned from one of the best mothers who ever walked the earth, the lady who is responsible for my crazy ass; My mum, Carol Ann.

Carol tool #1: Fear

"Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower." 

Comedian Steve Harvey said it best, "There comes a time in every child's life when you need to beat them until they think they're gonna die." Mom would have liked that quote. She, like most mom's I know, was the "bad cop" in our household and yes, I feared for my life.

Fear isn't a bad thing. Fear is the number one thing lacking from today's children in this new world of PC. Calm down, we're not talking child abuse here and I can't say that I ever "got beat."  Long story short: Mom never hesitated to smack us when we were out of line... which wasn't often, because fear. She didn't need spoons or belts; there were no such things as "time outs," and she sure-as-shit never counted to three. If the traditional head cock/ mom-glare didn't set you straight, a swift back hand normally did the trick. It didn't matter if we were at home or in public. Mom didn't play that. In today's society, however,  mom's are hesitant to smack their misbehaving children because they think everyone has CYS on speed dial. I, however, learned from Carol Ann.

I was shopping at Aldi years ago and my youngest was misbehaving. I had enough of her shenanigans when she started licking... yes, licking... the freezer doors in the dairy section. I gave her the option to A) stop or B) I was going to smack her.  She decided to call my bluff and continued licking the freezer doors. Wrong choice. I grabbed her arm, smacked her mouth and casually threatened her three-year-old life. After which, we continued shopping, and all was right with the world. 

Until an older shopper gave me the dirtiest look. 

Before Nosy Nancy could open her mouth, I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "you're next." Thus, reinforcing my iron fist with not only scaring my child, but scaring the elderly shopper from aisle 5. 

Fear is a tactic that a mother must successfully master before pre-pubescence. Fear can be administered physically, when young... but is best put into practice, psychologically, when older. We'll get into that in tool #3. As I got older, I wished mom would have spanked me when I was acting out. In my opinion, spankings were far, far better than what was yet to come.

Carol tool #2: Elbow Grease

"Don't piss off the Indian Viking."

As I grew older and more mouthy, the threat of a smack to the face or bum was no longer as-threatening and frankly, Mom didn't feel like burning her own calories, either- so, she made me burn mine. Mouthing off to mom was a one way ticket to Lysolville. And it wasn't only the mindless chores she made you tackle: bed making, dusting, vacuuming... oh, hell no! Mom would dream up some of the most asinine bullshit cleaning tasks. Making me clean out her closet from top to bottom and color coordinate her wardrobe, for example. Wiping out and re-arranging the kitchen cabinets one-by-one is another example. She was notorious for making me scrub the baseboards, bathroom grout bleaching and de-furring the furniture with masking tape, among other brilliant, punishment tasks. Dad would come home from work and notice me on my hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards. He'd chuckle and say, "don't piss off the Indian." (Mom's side of the family was supposedly half Native American. A DNA confirms that's she was more Viking. Makes more sense)

As much as I loathed Mom's punishment-by-cleaning, I have to admit that it was a very, very effective tool. A tool that my little, miffed, twelve year-old-self would never have imagined that I would be using with my oldest daughter, 18 years later. As evidence by my picture to the right, my oldest will never leave the house without telling me again. All I have to do is mention "baseboards" and her fragile, first grade body would shudder. The phrase, "I'm bored" was music to Mom's ears and now mine. I can always, allllways relieve your boredom there, kiddo.

Here's a can of Pledge and a rag. Have at it! 

Carol tool #3: Manipu-miliation

"Meaner than cat piss."

No, this is not a George Bush-ism and yes, manipumiliation is the final tool in Carol's big bag of child rearing-fun. Mom was a board certified member of M.A., Manipulators Anonymous. She was amazing at making you feel like the dumbest asshole that ever basked in her glory. I'll never forget walking back home, early one summer morning, from a sleep over at my friend's house. All the other tweens got to stay until 10am, but I had to pack up my shit and be home by 8am. My friend asked me why my mom insisted that I return home so early? To which my reply was,

"Because my mom's a bitch."

And that's when I saw her head casually lean over the hedge... she was waiting for me, outside, on the patio and heard every. Fucking. Word. I'm certain her ears cocked upward, cat-like, when she heard the noun. My friend offered her sincerest condolences, bagged ass, and my day was about to get real.

Real ugly.  

I still feel my stomach churn re-telling this story. <shivers>

As I mentioned earlier, by this stage in my life, I was a tween and mom used my age to her advantage. If there is one thing a tweenage girl is obsessed with, it's her "look." Knowing that I probably got a total of 4 hours sleep and hadn't showered or brushed my teeth since yesterday, mom wasted no time jumping in our Jeep Cherokee and heading for the commissary on Ft. Meade, Maryland.  I begged her to let me take a shower, but, there was "no time." On the way there, she didn't say a word to me. Mom didn't even look at me. Pretended that I wasn't even sitting in the passengers seat. No music. No emotion. Nada.

Now, you have to understand that I was freaking out because many of my friends were grocery baggers at the commissary and they were about to see me, a "quart -low", clothes from yesterday... an all around hot mess. And mom knew it.

Mom was dressed to-the-nines, of course, which only added insult to injury. I dunno why all of the military wives look so damn polished for a grocery trip? But 98% of them do it. Still do it to this frickin day.

Don't you know Mom made sure we stopped and talked to everyone! She waved to all of my friends. There was a point when she told me that it was "too bad" that I couldn't have looked "more presentable," especially when we were bumping into so many of my friends. It was a nightmare. Then I got home, put away the groceries and got to cleaning. Mom never brought up the "bitch" comment.  NOT ONCE! After everything was immaculate and I groveled for her forgiveness, mom pretended like she didn't know what I was talking about and acted like nothing ever happened. Check. And mate.

I suggest trying Carol tool #3 on your tween when they are giving you grief? Be sure to do like Carol and strike when they least expect it. My youngest is not old enough for this tactic... yet.  I have it stored away for the oldest. She is now a Tween. Laaawd have mercy. 

In my high school years, Mom was always one hot-flash away from a neurotic melt down and it was in everyone's best interest to walk on egg shells. She wasn't always meaner than cat piss. Mom was very funny and very quirky. You always knew that she had your back! Her iron fist eased up a smidgen and she transformed into quite the practical jokester.

I remember her handing my infant niece to my dates, asking them how they felt about being a dad?

She used to give my friends this HUGE, horrifying, glamor-shots picture of me, and it would show up in random places- at their homes, in the mall parking lot, Friendly's.

My personal favorite was when she filled up my tiny purse with condoms and Gynol, so when I paid for my movie ticket, they spilled out onto the counter. Good times.

So in honor of Mom's early release from this world, I salute my Mom and all of the other mothers out there, doing the best that they can not to eat their young! I hope you enjoyed reading about my run-ins with my master of motherhood.

If you ever feel like pulling your hair out, remember: Don't stress. Get creative! Give Carol's tools for mastering motherhood a try.      

Perfect Hard Boiled Eggs.

Don't worry. You might be surprised to learn just how many people have no clue about this. I see countless stupid Facebook and Pinterest posts about "hacks to the perfect hard boiled egg." Adding baking soda, or, a pin prick to let the air out, *face palm*, to name a few. 

Oy gevalt. 


There are no tricks. There is a process, however. The process isn't hard (see what I did there?) but there are a few things you must do to achieve perfect HBE's. 

1) Start with ROOM TEMPERATURE EGGS. Americans are the
only folks I know who refrigerate eggs. Europeans leave their eggs on the counter for weeks. Then again, Europeans are good about using them. If you are like moi (Murrican) and eat HBE's as a snack and/or do a ton of scratch cooking, you'll have no issues with letting your eggs hang out on the counter for a while. In my humble experience, cold eggs are a baking nightmare. HBE's are no different. If you're clicking on this page and it's Easter egg decorating time, let those cartons of eggs sit on the counter over night. Why? Well, you are about to add them to... 

2) Boiling water. Your water needs to reach boiling temperature before you place your eggs. A cold egg in boiling water will crack. Dropping them in the pot will cause them to crack, too, so be sure to carefully place them in the boiling water with a non-slip pair of tongs. Makes life easier, I assure you.

3) The magic number is twelve. It takes twelve minutes to cook your eggs. There. Done. The debate is over. 

4) When the timer goes off, immediately remove them from the heat, drain the hot water, add cold water and two cups of ICE. The culinary word for this maneuver is, "shocking." You are changing temperatures from one extreme to the other and keeping the consistency of the food to the exact moment you stopped cooking it. 

5) Let them sit in the ice bath for an hour and use them right away...  or put them back into the egg carton and refrigerate. The same European Room Temperature Egg Rule does not apply to your HBE's, however. Don't let your cooked eggs sit on the counter for weeks. Gross. Salmonella is bad. 

6) All you need is one good crack to peel a perfectly cooked golden hard boiled egg. Allow me to demonstrate my mad HBE skills with my even more mad iMovie editing skills. 

7) I recommend Cholula. Trust me on this. 

Simple Thai Roasted Butternut Bisque

Wanna impress just about anyone who steps foot in your home with minimal effort? Make this bisque. It requires some different-ish ingredients and a blender, but it's a relatively simple thing to prepare and it's outstanding. When they taste this bisque, your guests will worship you like the ancient Mesopotamians and live in spiteful fear of your culinary prowess. This recipe SLAYS most foodies, vegans, cross-fitters and mother-in-laws. 

No, not for real, Hammurabi. You wish!

(My middle schooler is in the throes of 6th grade history and Mesopotamia. Has absolutely nothing to do with Thailand, but, I couldn't resist the Hammurabi reference) 

Serves 4-6 
Prep: 30minutes. 

Costco. $6. Four bags of pre-diced squash.  

• 4 cups of Butternut squash (or one pkg of the picture)- roasted
• 1tbsp Coconut oil or Olive oil 
• 1 cup leeks chopped (lay off the green ends)  
• 1/2 tsp freshly grated ginger
• 3 cloves garlic- whole
• 2 cups Chicken or veggie stock
• 3 tsp Thai curry paste
• 1tsp sweet curry powder
• 1-2tsp Salt to taste  
• 1 cup Coconut milk (Canned or one 200ml package of creme de coco)
• Cilantro- chopped to garnish
• Lime- sliced into wedges 
• Sriracha- because Sriracha. 

Set your oven to 400º and prepare a large cookie sheet with non-stick spray or parchment. Add your chopped butternut squash. Lightly spray some of the cooking oil on the squash and a few pinches of salt. Roast them for 30 minutes. You'll see the edges start to golden and brown. You want that flavor. Roasting really brings out butternut squash's natural sweetness.

While the squash is roasting, prepare your leeks and garlic. There is no need to fancy-up the chopping process. We're going to puree EVERYTHING in the blender later on. No one's ever going to know how anal retentive you are.

Bummer.

In a medium stew pot, sauté your leeks and garlic in the coconut oil on medium- high setting. Don't burn them, just get them soft and happy. Next, add your squash and grated ginger. Add 1 cup of the stock, thai paste, sweet curry, and the freshly grated ginger. Turn down the heat, stir until well combined, and remove from heat.

Add the contents of the pot into your blender and blend well. If it's too thick and isn't blending properly, add more stock.

Once it is well incorporated and resembles a baby-food-like consistency reintroduce it to the pot over medium-low heat.

Add the coconut milk, reserving a few tablespoons for the swirly, knock 'em dead, garnish.

Taste it. Does it need a dab of salt? Hook it up to your taste buds, not mine.

This is a perfect soup to prepare before hand and place in a crock pot for later. Stays tasty until it's ready to eat. Garnishing with a swirl of reserved coconut milk, cilantro and lime is a MUST! It brings the entire bisque together and transforms it from "good" to "Dude, you made this?" I love Sriracha in mine, but, the heat is entirely up to your guests.

Now, if you wanna get all fancy, here's where you add coconut shrimp. The bisque is perfectly to die for without it, but, you can never over impress anyone, right?

Coconut Shrimp

1lb uncooked, deveined, large shrimp- peeled
1 cup Unsweetened coconut flakes 
1 cup Flour (if you are G-Free, use coconut flour)
2tsp garlic powder
1tsp salt
1tsp pepper
Egg wash (if you are vegan, use egg substitute) 
4 cups Peanut oil for frying (or Vegetable oil)


In a bowl, dip the shrimp in the egg wash.

Wait. What is an egg wash?    2 eggs + 4tbsp water (beat well) = egg wash

In a separate bowl, combine the flour, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and coconut flakes

Dip your shrimp in the egg wash and then coat in dry mixture. If you want it SUPER coated, repeat the dipping and coating process.

Heat your oil on high heat in a small pot. Once the oil is hot, add the shrimp a few at a time and fry until golden brown. Let the shrimp rest on a few paper towels, add a pinch of salt,  and serve with the soup.  Add a slice of Naan bread if your heart so desires? My heart always, ALWAYS, desires Naan.

Eat the Cupcake! Fat: 10 (somewhat scientific) Reasons Why.

The hype surrounding today's women and the need to be thin and fabulous all the time, and the sexism that drives this theory, is all around us. I get it. I do. I also think it's used as an excuse.

You heard me.

The thing is: When you eat like crap, you feel like crap. When you don't move your body on a regular basis, you feel like crap. And when you feel like crap, and you are no longer comfortable in your own skin, it's time to do something about it.

Weight loss begins in the brain- not the gut. It's a commitment and it is the easiest thing in the world to do, provided that you are ready to change your entire perception on life and it's priorities. Contradiction in terms much?

*Let's stop calling it weight loss. Let's call it "making weight." Sounds less dramatic.
Today's message about beauty and weight is up to interpretation of course; "Strong is the New Skinny," Thigh Gaps, "Fat and Fabulous," etc. The list goes on and on. Know that you are allowed to want to change your body and you are allowed to want to feel and look better for YOURSELF. If this is your goal, and you are doing this for you, then here are a few things to ponder about the dreaded f-word and the 10 reasons why... before you start making weight. Why should you listen to moi? Well...

10) Prescription Medications
Hell of a thing, right? You take a medication that helps your condition, yet, it's making you uncomfortably large and you hate yourself. Take antidepressants, for example. They help to combat low self esteem, anxiety, and general melancholy, yet, depending on the dose and length of time you have been on them, they are EXCELLENT at making you gain weight. And the fact that you clicked on this here Pinterest pin makes me assume that you aren't too happy about it. Oh, the irony.  Here is a link to a list of medications that are associated with weight gain.  This doesn't mean that you should stop taking your medications in pursuit of your goal outfit. And it sure as hell doesn't mean that you should shrug your shoulders and not eat healthy and break a sweat. It just means that you are going to have more homework to do. Meet with your health care provider and discuss your medications, your weight goals, and any alternatives or different dosages that may be available? Also discuss what types of supplements/vitamins that you are taking and that you should be taking? Here's a link to a few supplements that I recommend (actually MY doctor recommended them to me) to start your journey: Supplement Junkie

9) Deoxyribonucleic Acid, otherwise known as DNA

Look at your mum. Look at your dad. Aunt. Uncle. We all have a predetermined database that has designed how and where you are going to store fat and muscle. Genes create your body structure and they will predetermine size, shape and how one ages.  Duh. Embrace the things that make you different and accentuate the things that you love and that your body is good at. You are your only competition in this race, so stop comparing yourself to the 5'10, 23 year old. She has different parents. There isn't anything we can do about our bodies structure, but,  DNA does not predetermine what you are putting in your mouth and how often you are moving. Nice try.

8) Whore-moans 
Filthy little buggers, hormones. Unfortunately, they play a principal role in whether or not you can fit into your pants. Combine these little jokesters with a medication and, long story short, if you aren't doing something about it now, well...

Let's jump right on into Menopause for moment, shall we?

Menopause is an evil cow that wants you to be fat. She does. She told me so. During menopause, a woman's body slowly produces less of the hormones estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen helps to burn calories and increases your body's metabolic rate- how fast your body burns energy at rest- so, when you have less of that hormone, you are at a greater risk for weight gain. Akin to PMS, your estrogen levels are up and down, thus all of those crazy cravings and lack of energy. Difference is, PMS is more water retention than anything else. And once your estrogen levels even out after the cycle is over, you return to your normal, rage-free, fine self. Menopause? Not so much. And I hate to brake it to you, but, a woman's chances of gaining more weight after menopause are pretty freaking high unless we start doing something about it now. If you aren't in a good cardiovascular/ strength training routine... get ready. Muscle fights fat today and for the long term. 

7) "I don't wanna look all bulky." 

This one's my favorite. Most of the women who say this would sell their first born child for the chance to look like the model in the inspirational meme they just posted on Facebook.  Get over yourself and get into the weight room. A solid cardio and strength training regime is what you need to combat the fat for the long term. When you can't make it to class, you should do something- a brisk walk, bike ride, squats, pushups.. something. But, lifting something heavier than your purse on a regular basis is key to a strong body.  Muscle mass helps burn EXTRA calories, even when you aren't doing a damn thing. Our bodies burn more calories maintaining muscle than they do maintaining fat. Most importantly, building muscle mass now increases bone density and keeps you strong for say, when at 70, you trip over your Yorkie-Poo on your way from the mailbox. Only you won't be the old fart that breaks your hip. Catch my drift?

But won't lifting weights make me GAIN weight? Yes. But it's helping you lose the fluff. 

Get this: I am 160 lbs. My BMI says I'm "overweight" and that's easily the most absurd bullshit on earth. Let's put it this way: I was was 150 lbs and in the "normal" range this summer and my size 8's still didn't fit. I started lifting, lost some fat, gained muscle, and now my Lucky Brand size 8 skinny jeans fit like a glove. Make sense? Muscle is denser than fat, but it takes up less space. BMI doesn't account for muscularity. BMI also doesn't calculate that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are stellar, my back problems are all but gone, and my migraines are far, far less frequent. So believe me when I say that BMI calculations and the number on the scale means nothing as far as calculating one's health. Muscle burns calories 24/7. Fat does not. Of course, you can lift/exercise all day and not see a change if you aren't making the right nutritional choices.

6)"It's only 100 calories."  

Put down your fat free yogurt and your *skinny* latte, it's not doing you any favors. Like many gullible citizens, I bought things that said, "low calorie," "low fat" and "sugar free." Hell, I was the whole wheat champion. I thought that I was eating healthy? I mean, I'm buying everything that said it was healthy for me, so, what's the deal? I'm not seeing any results!

My beloved friend, Muy Thai champ, restaurant owner, and personal trainer put it to me this way:

You don't go to the produce department and see broccoli advertised as, "FAT FREE" or "LOW IN SUGAR," do you? 

Point taken. There are different types of calories and they all play different roles in the human body. There are nutrient-rich calories and nutrient-dense calories. Nutrient-dense calories are the ones found in pre packaged fat/sugar/calorie free foods and they are ones starving the body,  keeping you hungry, and keeping your fat right where it is. I won't go on about nutrient rich calories. You should know about what those are. Bacon is one of them. Oh, and the whole egg, not just the whites.


5) STRESS!!

Stress is a deal breaker- especially for visceral fat. Belly fat.  Every endocrinologist will agree that humans crave carbohydrates during stressful situations. The body goes into a type of fight-or-flight response where it immediately looks for stored fuel, expels it, and demands more, thus, over eating and weight gain. How? Those damn hormones again.

Cortisol is a hormone that works with insulin to let our bodies know when we are HANGRY and when to store the fuel for energy. As it happens, belly fat is an active tissue that has more cortisol reacting receptors than anywhere else on the human body. When we stress out, all of those receptors react in the midsection, as if it were starving to death, sending your adrenal system into full throttle making room for more unnecessary fat storage. This is where I tell you to have healthy snacks on hand and stay hydrated, but, in my experience, dieting is the most stressful thing on the earth. Want to know how to beat the stress?

4) Eat the #$%* cupcake 

You heard me. Just eat it.

Take this scenario for example:

You are doing everything "right." You are exercising. You are strength training. You are eating healthy. You are working hard... And you are stressing out over it because all you want is one of the cupcakes Mary Jo brought in from home... but you can't because you are on a flat belly mission... but you really, really need one... but you can't because you are so close to meeting your calorie limit on Fitness Pal...

As we have just discussed, stress is a deal breaker in the weight department. There will come a time in your nutritional journey when you just aren't hungry and you just don't need the cupcake. And then there will be days when the world may explode if you don't "treat yo'self." Do yourself a favor and eat the cupcake. Eat it hard. It's not going to break the bank. Start over tomorrow. No big deal. Seriously.


3) Anything with "fix" or "results" the title? Don't buy it.  

Shakeology, Weight Watchers, Isolean, you name it. That high priced, powdered, pre flavored blend of liquid "nutrition" isn't doing you any favors either. Get-thin-quick products are created by teams of money hungry bastards that are banking on America's lazy attitude towards nutrition and weight loss. Guess what?  You are the only tool you need to lose weight. You and you alone. Go find a grocery store with a meat department and a produce aisle. Buy some of that. Learn how to use the ingredients. Enjoy preparing them. Now go and sweat. Sweat a lot. Invest in yourself for the long haul. Mark my words: You will not be "21 day fixing" for the rest of your life. Buy fresh, quality food and exercise. Invest in yourself. YOU are your name

2. Sweat, and then sweat some more, and then DRINK YOUR WATER! 
The human body will mistake dehydration for hunger 99% of the time. That's right. Those food cravings are probably thirst-related. Hello? Our bodies are made of 60% water. We need it. Bad. And if you are working out somewhat regularly, you really, really need it. Now, I'm not insisting that you clean out a milk jug and filler up, but, there's a reason why these body builder types are drinking all this H20 and I guarantee that YOU aren't drinking your fare share. Shoot for about 1.5- 2 liters of the clear stuff per day. If you aren't ready for just straight water, make my Power Water. You will eat less when you drink more water. If you are lifting or doing some HARD cardio, mix your water with an amino acid powder or some 100% grapefruit juice.  I recommend taking some supplements to help retain this extra moisture and help rid the body of toxins. Here's the link to my info about that:Gym Supplements.


1) Compensating food for exercise. 

How many of you have said, "I can have this Pop Tart because I worked out today." Or... "Another glass of wine won't hurt, I did a Les Mills class."

Sorry, sweet thang,  it don't work that way.

In order to lose fat you have to create a calorie deficit. You must burn more than you take in. I know, I know...  I just told you to "Eat the #$%* Cupcake," but that's a once in a while thing. We all have to pick our battles. Even Serena Williams can't out-exercise a poor diet. It doesn't matter how much time you spend at the gym or at Zumba... you cannot eat processed food and expect results. And trust me, Serena isn't eating any bullshit before and during competitions, but, she picks her battles. Hell, even Ronda Rousey will tell you that her food is more for fuel than taste. *She also attributes a few rolls in the hay (not the mat) to her energy levels. I have some great food ideas if you are interested in that weight loss avenue? *

But Kertney, I'm not making weight to win a UFC belt!  I just want to comfortably fasten my own!

After I lift or take a cardio class, I refuel my body with a protein shake. Drinking a shake or eating a nutrient-rich meal will help repair muscle tears, give you back the energy that you lost, and help cut by rehydrating the body. Not refueling directly after a workout is another one of the biggest mistakes people make, in my opinion. I made it for quite sometime. You only have a good 30-45 minute window to consume this snack without harming your calorie deficit. Why? Because your body is still in calorie burn over drive due to that all that crazy cortisol. Here's a link with a recipe for one of my go-to protein smoothies as well as a few supplements that will help you burn fat.  If you need a meal, make it yourself.

Use a few recipes from this here bloggity-blog, for starters.

• 400 Calorie Panera Bread Fake-out
• 400 Cal Chicken Teriyaki ginger Lettuce Wraps
• Polynesian Paleo Balls
• 450 Calorie Korean Quinoa
• Greek Chicken Souvlaki Gyros

Meal prepping is a brilliant tool for keeping you full and focused on your goals throughout the work week. Make a bunch of fresh things on Sunday. Split them up into containers for a week's worth of lunches. Dinner's all up to you. Crock pot/ set it and forget it meals are an excellent tool, too. 

Cheers to beers... and puppies! 

In this new year, I'm going to bring some recipes to the table as well as some exercises that help build strength and endurance. These will be things that I use in the gym and the things I do at home; things that have helped me lose fat, build muscle, revamp metabolism, heal back problems, lose migraines, and, more importantly, make me feel confident in my own skin.  I have a few fitness related goals of my own- biceps for one. I'd love to lose some belly fat and get leaner, but we'll see about that? I'm not about to starve myself. I'm also going to bring some more vegetarian meals to the table and the blog. I am a self professed carnivore, but, I notice a significant improvement in my bowels (yay, poop!) with less of it. I still have things I want to improve on for me. Just to see how far I can go... without getting too obnoxious about it.