Roasted Punkin' Seeds, hon!

Hey, hons! 

This East Coast gal is trying to lengthen crab season by throwing some Old Bay on her punkin seeds! You should, too! Save those seeds from Mr. Jack O' Lantern and hang onto summer, DELMARVA style, with me! You should have 'em with an ice cold Natty Boh, too. 

Ingredients: 

Fresh punkin' seeds

Seafood seasoning

 (Old Bay works great. I used my favorite Crab Shack's version- Lazy Susan's) 

Olive Oil

My Lionel Richie Pumpkin

Soak your seeds in water for an hour or two (or overnight) just to get all the "pumpkin guts" (what my kids call it) off of them and let them dry a bit on a kitchen towel. Set your oven to 350º. Pick out any remaining guts and place the seeds in a large bowl. Add 4 teaspoons (2tsp per pumpkin) of oil and as much seafood seasoning/Old Bay as you want and lightly toss with your fingers. I probably added 1/4 cup? I was using the seeds from two large pumpkins, so, you be the judge of how much seasoning you want. Bake the seeds on a foil covered, pre-sprayed cookie sheet for 10-15minutes. Stir them around in the oven a few times just so all of the seeds are evenly baked (they should sound hollow) and voila!  Say hello to a delicious snack! I gave these to my after school program kids and they couldn't get enough!  The same baking principals apply to any other spice concoction you wish to use: cinnamon sugar, curry, lemon zest, garlic, etc.  The sky is the limit! Still, you can't beat the power of Old Bay! 

400 calorie: Panera Bread Fake out! Creamy Tomato Basil Soup & Citrus Greek Salad

I love me some Panera Bread! It's fresh. It's clean. It's healthy...   

Believe it or not, just ordering a soup and a salad can be more sodium and calories than ordering at a McDrive Thru. For example, my favorite combo at Panera is the Thai Chicken Salad and French Onion Soup... that is... until I started paying attention to my gut. Sure, your lunch will stay under 600 calories, which isn't bad, but the sodium was off the charts- and so was my bloating. The following soup and salad recipe is superdeedooper simple to recreate, low in sodium, around 400 calories, and a pretty damn close replica of Panera Bread's tomato basil soup (minus the asiago croutons and baguette). I dare say that this version is even tastier. The salad's all me: Panera WISHES they had a salad this tasty. 

Creamy Tomato Basil Soup
Serves 4 
15minutes 

1 10oz (big can) crushed tomatos
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup Chicken or Vegetable stock - I really, really love this one: Better than Bouillon organic Vegetable Stock Base: it's a little pricey, but it lasts forever and it is DELICIOUS! Just prepare per package directions.
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
2tsp onion powder
1/2 small carton (8oz) of heavy whipping cream
1-2 tbsp sea salt
1 tbsp fresh cracked pepper 
5 Fresh basil leaves, chopped or chiffonade 
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese  

In a medium sauce pot, on medium heat, add olive oil and garlic. Saute but do not burn the garlic. BLECH! Add the can of tomatoes, basil, S&P, onion powder and stock. Let that simmer for 5 minutes. Add the cream and the parmesan. Let that simmer for another 3-5 minutes. Do a salt and pepper check before you serve. TASTE TEST! (Please taste your food and alter it to YOUR tastebuds. Not mine) Garnish with extra basil and/or cracked pepper.   

Side Greek Citrus Salad
1 handful Romaine lettuce- washed & chopped 
1 tbsp Feta Cheese
1/4 cup red peppers- chopped
1 Orange, prepared 
1/4 cup Carrots- chopped 
Edamame- 1/4 cup beans
Cracked Pepper
*Peperoncinis and Kalamata Olives are optional- I just didn't have any or I would have TOTALLY included them. Womp!  

Sweet Raspberry Vinaigrette: 

1 tsp Original Mrs. Dash
1 tsp Salt
1 package artificial sweetener 
2 tbsp Olive Oil
3 tbsp seasoned rice wine vinegar
*1 tbsp raspberry preserves- if you don't have this, no big whoop. Omitting this won't ruin a thing. 

Combine everything, toss, add cracked pepper on top. BAM! 

Jarred: Peaches! Chutney and BBQ Sauce

Millions of peaches... 
Peaches for me. 

My friend's father has a small farm in Ohio. This year his peach tree EXPLODED with peaches... among other things. They gave me a bunch! Actually, the pic to the left is my second crate-o-peaches from his tree- 

Not to mention the other LOADS they have harvested for themselves, other friends and family. It came from only ONE tree, too. WHOA! 


I decided to make an s-ton of peach related, jarred happiness. If you are new to jarring, take a quick look at this, first: Jarring 101: On the Cheap before taking on the process. If not, the recipes below can be modified for smaller batches. 




Curried Peach CHUTNEY! 

Yields 4-5 half pint jars. Why so small? Chutney is one of those once-in-a-while condiments. It also packs a sweet and spicy punch with very little effort- hence the small jar. 
Prep time: 20minutes   Cook time: 2hrs.

12-15 small-medium sized FRESH peaches, skinned and pitted (Blanch them for a minute to easily peel skin)

2tbsp olive oil

Orange peel from half and orange 

1 large HOT, RED banana pepper (for color)

1 jalepeño (the level of hot is up to you- seeds or no seeds?)

4 Scallions, chopped

4 garlic cloves, pressed

3-4 Sanaam Indian chiles 

3 Cardamom pods

1 cinnamon stick

1/4 cup Seasoned Rice Wine Vinegar

2/3 cup cider vinegar

2tbsp sweet curry

2tsp tumeric

1tsp vanilla 

1 cup brown sugar

Salt and Pepper to taste ( I used at least 1+ tbsp sea salt) 

In a large stock pot, on medium heat, add your oil, scallions, pepper and sauteé. Add your brown sugar, cinnamon, curry, tumeric, vanilla, peel, pods, garlic and peaches. Let those cook together (flavors soaking into the peaches) for a few minutes before adding the vinegars, chiles and the jalepeño. Remove the orange peel! (It will be too orangey if you don't.) Stir it up nice, put it on a med-low setting and let the juices cook down to a thick consistency. Time to start a movie. This process will take 2 hours, at least. Funnel your thick, goupy, chutney into your über clean and sterilized jars and DONE! This will keep in the fridge for a week or so, if you have decided not to jar it. 

Habenero Peach BBQ Sauce:

Believe it or not, it ain't too hot... 

Yields 5 jars  Prep time: 30 minutes 

Cook time: 30-40minutes

12-15 peaches (peeled) Blanch them to peel with ease.

2 tsps butter

1/4 cup olive oil

1 large onion, diced

4 medium poblano peppers- roasted, skins removed, chopped

1 large hot banana pepper, chopped

4 garlic cloves

1 habanero pepper or 2 jalepeño peppers (Seeds in or out. The level of hot is up to you)  

1 cup Brown Sugar

1/4 cup dark molases

1/4 cup cider vinegar

2tsp marjoram

1 tbsp salt

Black pepper

1/4 tsp hickory flavoring

3/4 cup ketchup 

1 heaping tbsp of Stone Ground Mustard (Any heavy, gritty mustard will do, too) 

In a large pot on medium-high heat, add olive oil, butter, onions, marjoram, salt & pepper and sauté until light brown. Add peppers and sauté. Next add the brown sugar, stir together with the vinegar, garlic and peaches. Turn down the heat. After 20minutes of simmering, the batch of BBQ should start to thicken. Stir in the molases, hickory flavoring, ketchup and mustard. Let that simmer for another 10-15 minutes. Give your BBQ a "salt and pepper check"- add more if desired and prepare to jar up your sauce.    

Dig out your blender and blend the mixture in a few batches. One the mixture is well blended, return it to the pot. Do a final taste check and begin the jarring process, or... 

use it right away!! This sauce is BRILLIANT on ribs, chicken, etc. 

Check out my Peachy Pumpkin Spiced Ice cream 

450 cal Recipe! Zesty, grilled, cilantro lime chicken breast with mint.

Two words: MAD MEX! Mad Mex is a muy delicioso, hip, Mexican restaurant in Pittsburgh that I adore! They have a cilantro dressing that I rave about every time I get a salad. So... I decided to recreate it and marinade some chicken breasts, in lieu of leafy greens. I paired it with wild rice, avocado and DRAGON TONGUE beans from my garden. This recipe is so stinking easy, fresh, yumtastic and low calorie.  Feel free to marinade/pair whatever your heart desires- fish, steak, pork. I make extra and refrigerate it for it's original purpose, salad dressing. 



Serves: 2-4
Prep time: 5m/ 25m with rice and beans



What Yinz Need: 


Grill
Food processor


Recipe: 


2 large chicken breasts 
2 handfulls of cilantro- you should cut most of the thicker bottom stem from the leaves. A little stem is perfectly fine. Too much can be bitter. 
*4-5 mint leaves (these were my idea. You can omit them, but it adds such a nice, bright taste to the marinade)
1 large lime- juiced and zested (for later)
1/2 cup of Seasoned Rice Wine Vinegar. 
1/4 ExtraVirgin Olive Oil
3 TBSP ground Parmesan cheese. Or a 1/4 of a chunk of Queso Blanco (a moist, crumbly Mexican cheese- like a denser chunk of feta. I didn't have it so I went Parm. Mad Mex uses Queso Blanco... and so will I the next time!) 
2 garlic cloves
2 TSP Salt and fresh, cracked Pepper 
*Avocado


In a food processor, add your cilantro, mint, lime juice, garlic and cheese. Blend until everything is well chopped/ mush. Next add the salt and pepper. Blend. Add vinegar. Blend and keep the little top hole of the food processor open to drizzle in the Olive Oil while blending. This helps thicken the mixture. And... Done. Make sure to taste the dressing. Add more salt and pepper, if needed. 

So many folks forget to TASTE their food, first. Don't be "those" folks! Adjust the taste to your YOUR buds- no matter the recipe! 

Butterfly your chicken breasts to make four pieces. If there's only two of you... just use one large breast and butterfly that piece. Salt and Pepper the breasts and add half of your prepared marinade to coat the chicken. Let that sit together for a few minutes before grilling. 


Grill on med/high for 8-10 minutes and serve with whatever side you wish. I added sliced avocado and plain greek yogurt. (An excellent substitute for Sour Cream) Add the zest of your lime as a garnish. If you're on a health kick, do what I did and prepare some wild rice (you can use a box, just don't use the spice packet) and a veggie of your choosing. Here's a link to my DRAGON TONGUE BEANS info and recipe. They are in-season and super tasty!  If you love the dressing, double your batch, put it in an air tight container and store it in the fridge for later. It stores for up to 1 week. 






<---Oh, and do yourself a favor and slice an extra lime... 


 Enjoy!  

Coconut Chai Rice Pudding

This creation was a Dogfish Head inspired dessert. I had the pleasure of sampling a Dogfish Head Chai Tea beer. Yes, I said Chai Tea BEER! It was sweet and spicy- much like it's warm, non alcoholic sister. At that moment I thought, "Man, you can chai just about anything."  And then I thought about the Jasmine rice I needed to use up... and the half can of coconut milk I needed to kill and how I had better use some of those cardamom pods before I have to toss them and BAM! Inspiration! Alas, there is no beer in this recipe. Feel free to have one while you're making it, however. I did!







Coconut Chai Rice Pudding
1 1/2 cup uncooked Jasmine rice (Regular long grain rice will be fine... unless I am coming over for dessert, in which case, please use Jasmine)
1 1/2 Cups whole or 2%Milk 
1 Can of Coconut milk
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp pure vanilla
1 tsp salt
4 cardamom pods
1 cinnamon stick
pinch of ground ginger (optional)
pinch of ground cloves (optional)
1/2 cup half and half
2 tsp cornstarch
butter
cinnamon/sugar

In a 4qt sauce pot, bring your milk, coconut milk, vanilla, sugar, spices, cardamom and cinnamon stick to a simmer. We want to bring out as much of the chai flavors from the spices as possible.  Be sure to scrape your coconut can of all of the thick goodness and melt it into the pot, as well. Stir in your rice and bring to a boil. Cover and reduce to low heat for 20 minutes. Once your rice has softened and the mixture has thickened, give it a taste test and adjust the sweetness. In a measuring cup, combine your half and half and corn starch and add it to the rice. Stir well and let it thicken over medium-low heat until it is creamy. 


Before serving, remove the cinnamon stick and the cardamom pods... if you can? If not, no biggie. Place a few dollops into a serving dish and top with a smidge of butter and cinnamon sugar. It is a chai lovers delight, believe-you-me! 


Enjoy!  

Part III: Confessions of a Supplement Junkie and a Weight Loss Heroine

I remember salsa dancing in my late teens, early 20's at Latin Palace in Baltimore, Maryland. Everyone in the club (young, old, big, small) was moving the to rhythm and enjoying themselves. I recall one particular evening when this 50-something couple came out onto the dance floor. Everyone clapped and whistled when they approached, including the band. The young, athletic, full-of-myself Kertney couldn't imagine why? The wife was a busty size 14+ and her husband was a leaner, balding man, in short slacks and a button down yellow shirt. Maybe it was an anniversary party? Maybe they were the club's owners? Or maybe it was because they were AWESOME!?  Those two worked that dance floor like it was their job! They looked at each other in such a sexy, flirtatious way that you couldn't help feeling all warm inside. He looked at her like she was the hottest mamacita in the club and she made him work for it! Yes! Latin music just makes you feel sexy, energized and confident. It's what I love about it. Latin music makes you want to move your body... and it's what attracted me to Zumba.

It was the winter of 2008, nearly 10 years and 50lbs later, when I attended my first Zumba class. If you haven't heard about the latest aerobic, latin dance inspired fitness craze then visit THIS website and check it out for yourself. Be prepared to S-W-E-A-T your you-know-what-off and most importantly, have fun!

After I started my Flat Belly Diet and supplement regiment, I was cleared for exercise. Okay, okay... I was ALWAYS cleared for exercise, physically, just not mentally. Once upon a time I was a slim, theatre professional who would jump at the chance for a good workout... not anymore. I needed something that would keep me interested and help me shed this extra weight.

My first Zumba experience was at the YMCA and it was nothing less than hysterical! I didn't know what the hell was going on, what the steps were or why I thought I had any business being there? Just pathetic. I was like many first timers and asserted my BACK ROW positioning. Unfortunately, I am nearsighted and should have placed myself front row to see the instructor- as I was squinting the entire time. I was also:

1) Gasping for breath.

2) Wishing I brought a bigger water bottle.

3) Rethinking those fajitas I ate for dinner.

4) Prying my panties out of my tookis.

5) Insisting that the dance mirrors made me look 10 pounds heavier.

6) Praying that no one else noticed me goofing up during the jumping/shimmy/merengue/kick-thing.

7) Understanding why kegels (and Poise Pads) are so important.

8) Realizing just how heavy my boobs feel in a sports bra and how they resembled a speed hump.

9) Praying that I wouldn't fart during squats and...

10) Sincerely thinking I would die of exhaustion.

Yes, I was a hot mess and I was way, way out of shape. Still, I loved the music and continued to go. After a few weeks, I was comfortable with the moves and pretty impressed with the results. I was doing great with this diet/exercise routine, losing weight, toning up and feeling the healthiest I had been in a long time. February of '09 would prove to be quite the endurance test, however, when I had a run in with an extremely rare and vicious illness that almost cost me my life: Herpes simplex encephalitis.

Many people have there own theories on why I am still around, somewhat unscathed: 

Ironic how this sign is above the water fountain in the 'Zumba' gym

1) I'm tougher than cat piss.

2) My neurologist is top notch.

         3) Thoughts and prayers. 

But my favorite hypothesis is... 

4) ME. I started taking care of myself and prepared my body for a pretty nasty endurance test... an endurance test that I wouldn't wish upon any friend or foe. 

Mark my words: A healthier lifestyle helped to save my life.

The problem was that I wasn't cleared to do Zumba for a while. With all of that movement and my "new brain" being what it was... probably not the best idea... so I stayed away for a while. When I returned to Zumba, I ditched the YMCA and joined Julie DiMatteo's Zumba class. It was way, way, way more fun than the YMCA class. Women were hooting and hollering and greeted each other warmly- a camaraderie! There were men (okay... ONE man... and he knows who he is) and women of all ages and physicality's. No one was afraid to be there and people were smiling, sweating and enjoying themselves. It reminded me of Latin Palace- only less swanky.

The hour blasts by and you don't even realize that you have just burned off anywhere from 600-1000 calories (depending on intensity). Which brings me to another great thing about Zumba: You can work at your own pace. Believe me, I didn't start full out! I took my time and modified the routines. I still modify the routines.

Ironically, Zumba helps Kertney to be friendly. After a day of work, kids, teaching, crafts, cleaning, T-Ball, swimming, bills, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry... I turn into an evil bitch. Zumba helps me to sweat her from my body. I could be in the worst, slouched, PMS-fueled mood before class and I can walk out feeling alert, energized and positive.

Positivity, in my opinion, is the key ingredient to successful body transformation. You have to find what works for you.  The Flat Belly Diet worked for me. Supplements work for me. Zumba works for me. But the thing that helps me the most is a positive attitude. Without it, I could not have accomplished a 50lb weight loss and a new lease on life. This three part blog acts a pat on my back (I think I deserve it) and inspiration to anyone out there who needs a push in the right direction. Put yourself first, think positively, and you'll find that rest just falls into place... and off of the scale.

For more inspiration, visit my other community based blog at The Beaver Countian. There you can read the stories of a handful of the women I Zumba with, who have amazing stories to tell about their own personal success stories... with Zumba's help.

PS: Guess what I did in October of 2012 after I reached my 50lb goal??  ------------>



Check out my ZIN page at http://courtney123.zumba.com/

Grilled Portobello Mushroom Burger w/ Chipotle Mayo & Roasted Kale

Let's be honest. Mushrooms go ON a burger... not in place of. Don't hate! This non-beef take on a patty is pretty darn tough to distinguish for even the most ferocious carnivore. And the best part of all... it's mind blowingly delicious, cheap, simple, and way, waaaaaay healthier!

The family and I are on a no-meat kick. No, not an "eliminate-meat-for-good" thing. It's more like a, "no-meat-with-every-single-dinner-all-the-time" thing. Which is hard. Both my husband and I came from meat-n-potatoes families. After all of the bad press about slime in ground beef , and daily scientific reports proving that too much meat is rotten for your health, Mr. Kertney suggested we try some meat-less dinners... And I agree. I'll bet we aren't the only families out there with this new meatless outlook?

The problem is:

I LOVE A GOOD HAMBURGER!

What am I going to do when I want a burger and I don't have the budget to buy organic, grass fed chuck that is being ground before mine eye? Is there anything that can save me?

Portobello Mushroom Burgers
 *with Chipotle Mayo and Roasted Red Potatoes and Kale

2 Large, bun sized, Portobello Mushroom Caps
Marinade
Buns
Mayo
Cheese
Fix'n's

*1hr before grilling, prepare your mushrooms. Wipe any dirt or blemishes off of them with a paper towel. Set them on a plate "gill" side up and add the marinade. Let that absorb into the mushrooms for 1 hour.

Marinade: Mix together
1/4 Cup Balsamic
1 Crushed garlic clove
1 tsp of Mrs. Dash Original seasoning
1/2 tsp. Salt
2 tbsps. Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1/2 tsp. Montreal Steak Seasoning- sprinkle this onto the mushrooms right before you grill them. 

You can use whatever steak seasoning you like, unless I am coking over for dinner? In which case, please use Montreals. 

Chipotle Mayo:

2 tblsp. Mayonnaise
1/2 tsp. Adobo chile sauce from can- you can get these everywhere. Just look in the "International aisle."


*Mix the two together and done. If you want a little more heat, and add a tiny chunk of the actual chile to the mayo, but, don't get cocky. Those chile's are NO JOKE HOT! Trust me, you'll be fine with just the red adobo sauce. You can also buy prepared chipotle mayo, but, the flavor doesn't come anywhere close to this. Hell, I'll bet you start craving it and putting it on your everyday sammys... like me!  Let it chill in the frige until you are ready to assemble the burger.

Finishing Touches: 

Spray your grill grates with nonstick cooking oil and fire it up-  medium high heat. You want a char!   Let it cook for 5 minutes on each side. (More time may be needed, depending on how thick the mushrooms are) Add a slice of cheese (I used muenster- yum!) at the end of the grilling process. While you're at it, nonstick spray your buns and grill/toast those for 2 minutes. Add a dollop of chipotle mayo on the bottom buns and your Portobello Patty on the top. Add whatever fix'n's you like (I used Kumato tomatos and pickles) and DIG IN!

I guarantee that this will be the juiciest, hearty, most delicious brain fake on the planet- without the slightest worry of ground beef slime.


Enjoy!

Looking for the roasted kale and spuds? Check out my "Sides" page on the top.

Libation #1: Raspberry Coconut Mojito

I don't discriminate. I embrace all kinds of alcohol. I like beer, wine, liquor, fruity, dry, warm, iced, rim, rocks, straight up, shaken and stirred. I have decided to celebrate my love of libation with the world.

Libation #1 is made with one of my favorites, coconut rum.

Raspberry Coconut Mojito

10 mint leaves
2  pkgs Sugar in the Raw or 2-3 tsps regular sugar
1/2 lime, quartered
1 handful of fresh raspberries
2 parts coconut rum
2 parts Chambord Raspberry Liqueur (reserve 1 part)
2 parts Sweet 'n Sour mix
Top with club soda

In a tough girlie glass, mash up your mint, sugar and limes. Add the coconut rum, 1part Chambord and sweet 'n sour mix. Add some ice, raspberries and top with club soda. Give a mix and top with the reserved Chambord. Enjoy on a hot day, summer day or locked in your bathroom when "Mommy needs a minute."

Friendship Bread. Nope, not Amish... but it's still delicious!

Truth: Amish Friendship Bread ain't Amish. WHAAAAAT? That's absurd! Of course it's Amish... Isn't it?

 On second thought, I can't recall the last time I saw a bearded fellow in a straw hat selling plastic baggies of goo at a roadside stand?

Fact: We can thank the 1980's Girl Scouts for it's sweet cinnamon slices of shared plastic happiness. Those cookie pushers may have gotten the idea from the Amish, however?  Just like other breads, a traditional Dutch Amish loaf is nothing more than a sourdough bread, used from a yeast starter- like all sourdoughs. Food historians report that it's nothing more than an old German yeast bread. Some say it was a PA Dutch recipe used only for for sick and needy families. All historians agree, however, that today's version of bread isn't necessarily Amish- as there was no passing it around and there was nothing sweet or cinnaminny about it. It was just... um... bread. And what's fun about that? Nothing! That's where Ziplock and the patch wearing do gooders come into play. Let's be honest, "Girl Scout Friendship Bread" doesn't sound as symbolically nostalgic as "Amish Friendship Bread," now does it? Those scouts knew what they were doing. After all, they've had the market cornered on sweets for decades. I should know. I was a girl scout in the 1980's!

10 day Sourdough Starter:

Let's get squishing! 

• 1 Yeast water (1pkg of active dry yeast and 1/4 cup of warm water)
• 3 cups all-purpose flour, divided
• 3 cups white sugar, divided
• 3 cups milk
• 
  

This isn't rocket surgery. Let the yeast water stand for 10 minutes. Then, combine everything in a LARGE plastic bag and squish it once every day for 5 days. Then "feed it" with 1 cup flour, milk and sugar and squish for another 5 days. On the 10th day, feed it again and reserve 1 cup of the mixture for your first loaves, and give 2 cups to your buds along with the starter recipe and this:

Friendship Bread:  Yields 2 Loaves

• 1 cup Sourdough Starter
• 3 eggs- beaten
• 2/3 cup white sugar
• 2/3 cup vegetable oil
• 3 eggs
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp. nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• *1 Cup nuts (almonds, walnuts, pistachios or pecans)

Preheat the over to 350º

The old recipe urges you to use NON METAL mixing bowls with a NON METAL utensils to mix all of these ingredients. 

• Why can't I use metal stuff?

Science, dear Watson!

• Allow me to preface this: Today's stainless steel isn't made like the stuff from the 80's, but...  Yeast is made of of billions of living organisms and all living things are filled with bacteria. Introducing a metal like nickel, a prime component of old stainless steel and a known bacterial toxin, is a quick and easy way to kill off a substantial amount of good bacteria. Thus making room for the malicious bacteria to thrive and spoil your starter dough. Yet ANOTHER example of how this recipe ain't Amish- those Amish folks don't care for science much. Then again, they don't care for the "luxuries" of metal KitchenAid mixers' either? I used my Kitchen Aid. I had no issues. 

Prepare your bread pans with spray oil and pour in the mixture, half way.

Bake for 50-60 minutes...

Unless you want a great big loaf (look right) and pour it all into one pan. Just be prepared for a longer baking time. 

If you want the yummy, crumbly topping:

1 Cup flour

2/3 cup cinnamon sugar

1/2 stick softened butter- not too soft

1/2tsp salt

"Fork" the butter (mash it) together with the dry ingredients until it looks like crumbles. Almost like you were making a scratch pie crust. Add the crumbles in the final 30 minutes of baking. Let cool and enjoy! 

This starter and recipe can be a very thoughtful and cost friendly holiday or "end of the school year" teacher's gift- especially when you have to buy for multiple teachers. Ugh! Buy a few small air tight jars (Ikea is a great place to find these on the cheap) fill them, add a ribbon and the recipe and voila! Consider Jr.'s gift covered! 

My 427 Calorie "GO TO" Lunch: Zesty Avocado Turkey Sammy with Feta & Hummus and Baked S&V Chippys

Sounds pretty tasty, right? Bet your bottom it is! If you are like me and happen to think that avocados are the most delicious things on the planet and you are trying to shed some extra poundage, then you're gonna LOVE this! And...

Avocados are considered the perfect food; Filled with over 20 vitamins and minerals, fiber and (most importantly) monounsaturated fatty acids that make you feel fuller, longer! True story.

This recipe requires you to find a few different ingredients, but, they are versatile and wallet-n-waist friendly.

Zesty Avocado and Turkey Sammy:

2 slices of toasted 100% wheat bread
4oz Oven Roasted Turkey Breast
1/2 Avocado
1/2 tsp lemon juice (a lemon wedge will do)
1 tsp Tajin Seasoning
1/4 cup Feta Cheese
1tbsp of Sabra's Roasted Garlic Hummus
1 handful of lettuce

The only preparation you must do is with the avocado, everything else is pre-prepared. SCORE!

Be sure to purchase a ripe avocado... not too green and not too black. Half your avocado and scoop it out of the shell and place it in a plate. Slice it. Add your lemon juice and Tajin. Tajin is a Mexican lime and chile spice. Not spicy but very, very zesty. I love it! My neighbor introduced me to Tajin. You can find it at WalMart. Check out my W.T.F. "Tajin" for another delicious recipe.

Pop your bread out of the toaster and smear on your hummus. I use Sabra Garlic Hummus because it is THE BEST store bought hummus you can find. If you like another brand of hummus or flavor, go for it. Next add your turkey, lettuce feta and prepared avocado slices. And VOILA! Done!

If you miss chips next to your sandwich, fear not! I have found Target's Archer Farms brand of baked salt and vinegar chips. They are delicious and lower in sodium and calories. Actually, ALL of Archer Farms chips are excellent. They even have a Spring Roll Wheat chip (kind of like a Sun Chip) which was outstanding. My husband even liked them- and he's a chip purist! Another awesome brand of figure friendly chips are Terra Chips- made with real veggies. Can't go wrong with the Taro Root crisps. Yummy! I find them at Big Lots, of all places! You can get them at WalMart, but they are more expensive there. I pay 1.75/ 8oz bag at Big Lots vs $3.00 at WallyWorld.

Healthy food doesn't have to taste like it, folks! And according to the last report I just watched about lunchtime being the fattiest meal of the day, this sandwich will prove Dr. Oz WRONG! Don't quote me on the 427 calories. I'm no nutritionist, but, I've done the math. I've also been improvising these low calorie meals for three years and I have lost 50lbs and still eat like a fiend- I just make better decisions.  Enjoy!

Black Sesame Ahi Tuna

Black Sesame Tuna

with Coconut Jasmine Rice and

Dragon Tongue Beans

East meets Carribean in this coastal coconut
inspired catch for two! Today's temp in the Burgh hit 73 and I needed something to rev me up for summer! This did the trick. That and you gotta love it when you can get wild tuna steaks for 4.99lb! WOO HOO! Tuna is one of the few cuts of fish that I can enjoy. It's thick, hearty and not too fishy. FYI: If your fish smells fishy, DO NOT use it. Fresh fish should have no odor! If it has a pleasant smell, feel free to take on this recipe, mon!

Tuna Ingredients:

2  4oz tuna steaks (whatever's on sale)

2 cups Panko (Japanese bread crumbs)

1/2 cup veggie or peanut oil

Egg wash
2 tablespoons of Kertney'sWasabi Seasoning or The Spice & Tea Exchange's Spicy Tuna Rub

Coconut Jasmine Rice:
1 cup jasmine rice

1 tsp olive oil
1/4 cup stock
1 can of coconut milk- w/out the thick creamy part. Save that for...

Coconut soy cream:
Residual thick coconut cream
Plain Greek yogurt (You can use reglar yogurt, but Greek is best-- Unless I am coming over for dinner, in which case, please use Greek)
2 tsps honey
1 tsp sesame oil
1 tsp soy sauce
1 handful of scallions

Prepare the rice! Heat the oil on medium in a med sauce pot. Add the rice. Sautee 'til the rice is translucent and add the stock then coconut milk. Should hear a beautiful sizzle! Let rice come to a rapid boil. Cover and set the burner to low for 20-25minutes.

Prepare the soy cream by adding all ingredients together and refrigerate.

Combine the panko and seasoning. Dip your tuna steaks in the egg wash and coat with the panko. DO NOT cook your tuna until your rice is nearly finished steaming! Heat your oil in a large skillet on med/high heat. Cook your tuna for 2- 3 minutes on each side (depending on thickness of the steak). Pink in the middle! Remove from the skillet and let the tuna rest for a few minutes before slicing. Serve over coconut rice with the soy cream drizzled over it. Sooooo incredibly delicious! The Dragon Tongue Beans recipe is in my WTF section. Feel free, however, to enjoy this with whatever veggie side dish your Samurai-Rasta heart desires.

Don't let Pigeon eat the Cake Pops!

Hi. How's it going? I'm fine, thanks for asking! So... I was asked to be a celebrity reader for my daughter's second grade class. 


The PTA requests that, if chosen, I am to read a few books and fill up a 30min time slot. My daughter said that the good parent readers do "other stuff, too." If I was a really good parent reader, for example, I'll include an activity. And if I was a really, really good parent reader, I'll provide a snack. GOODGOOGAMOOGA!?! I took the bait and decided to be the really, really good parent. (Or the really, really stupid/trying too hard one?)


Choosing the reading material was simple. We love Mo Willems! He's the Emmy award winning children's author of Knuffle Bunny, Leonardo the Terrible Monster,  Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed, Cat the Cat, Elephant and Piggie and our personal favorite, PIGEON! I chose a few Pigeon books and came up with a fun illustration activity. 


Now all I needed was an idea for a snack. Pigeon loves hot dogs, but, um... I'm not bringing in 23 hot dogs. Yikes! And then I saw a picture on flicker... it was a PIGEON CAKE POP! Awesome! Next I watched this tutorial:

and bought the following ingredients. I found everything but the cake mix, frosting (although they do sell Wilton cake products) and wax paper at Michaels Craft Store:  


2 boxes o' cake mix
2 tubs o' whipped frosting (whipped is easier to work with for this project)
2 bags o' blue baking chips (for candy making)
1 bag o' lollipop sticks 
1 box o' candy eyes  


1 pkg of fondant - for the beak
yellow gel based food coloring

wax paper 
STYROFOAM PLANK! (Trust me. You will want this. It will make your life much, much easier)



Beak directions:  Cut a 1" hunk out of the fondant block and place in a microwave safe container. Nuke for 10 seconds. Next, put it in a ziplock baggy and add a 1/4tsp of yellow gel based food coloring. Work the food coloring into the fondant. Remove and roll into a skinny snake. Cut into 3cm pieces and roll again. fold the super tiny snake together and voila! Beaks! Let them sit and harden (only takes a few minutes) before putting onto the freshly dipped pops. 





...and voila! Cake pops! This recipe yields about 30+ pops.  


True, this is a simple process. It is also true that this is a time consuming, pain in the <expletive deleted>. Oh well. I know the kids will love them... and all of that confectionary work will be will be devoured faster than they can say Mo Willems! 

Cook'n with Cornflakes, ya'll! Baked Chicken-n-Beans

It's time to get some aloe for this here red neck! I don't know about you, but, I love cooking with Cornflakes. It's amazing how versatile they are! One minute they're in my cereal bowl and the next they're dinner's main ingredient. Most importantly, cornflakes are wallet-friendly, as is this next REDONKULOUSLY easy and delicious baked chicken or turkey cutlet dish!

Start wit'cher beans. They take a little longer to bake, unless your neck is redder than mine, and you're fitting to heat up a can of Campbells pork and beans. In which case, my trucker hat is off to you and allow me to get you a can of Natural Light.

Baked Beans.
Oven 375
Bake time: 60min
Serves: 4-6

2tsp olive oil
1tbsp butter
1/2 onion- chopped
1/4 cup brown sugar
3 tbsp cider vinegar
2 splashes of worchestire sauce
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1/4 cup molases
1/4 cup Heinz ketchup
1/4 French's mustard
4 strips bacon bacon
2 mexican chiles (optional)
1 15oz can pinto beans, drained
1 15oz can can kidney beans, drained
1 15oz can butter beans, drained
1 tsp smoke flavoring
S&P for taste

On med-high heat in a deep sauce pot or dutch oven, add olive oil, butter and onions. Once the onions are translucent, add your salt and brown sugar. Next, add cider vinegar and worchestire. Next add the mustard, ketchup, molases, garlic, smoke flavoring and chiles. Let that simmer for a few minutes and then add the beans. Let that simmer for another few minutes. Give the beans a taste. Add S&P if desired? Cracked pepper, especially! In a deep, prepared baking dish, add your beans mixture. Next, lay your strips of bacon on top of the beans, cover, and pop in the oven. If you used a dutch oven, just lay the bacon strips on top and pop in oven. 30minutes covered, 30 uncovered.

 Crispy Baked Chicken-n-Beans

2-4 Chicken Breasts, butterflied
2 cups cornflakes
2/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. Arizona Dreaming Seasoning or another chile-like spice (any of your favorite spice(s) will work, really. Unless I am coming over for dinner, in which case, please use Penzey's Arizona Dreaming)
2/4 tsp salt

1 lrg plastic baggy
1 egg, beaten with 1tsp water
1 tbs butter


Preheat oven to 375. In a large baggy, combine all of the dry ingredients. With a rolling pin, crunch up the cornflakes and other ingredients until they are ground and well incorporated. (Excellent thing for the kids to do) Next, dip the chicken into the egg wash and add them to the bag of dry ingredients. Shake, shake, shake!  If you are like me and like extra coating, re-dip the coated chicken into the egg wash and re-coat in the dry ingredients bag. Heat an oven-safe skillet on medium-high heat with the butter. If you don't have and oven safe pan or skillet, prepare a separate dish for the chicken to bake in. Brown your chicken pieces on each side (1minute each side) and then place in the oven for 30minutes.

If you feel the need for green, do what I did and add a salad. Collards would be OUTSTANDING with this dish, too!  I love me some collard greens.

Enjoy, y'all!

Sex and Food: Go Get Some! (Rated PG)

Indulge your inner romantic without the

candles and lingerie... Do it with FOOD!

I hosted a Passion Party... yes, one of those parties, over the holiday season. It was a super fun, girlish get-together complete with  giggling, cosmos and TMI! I served up a few tasty love enhancers that made the evening even more educational. I knew that my sexy food knowledge was too good not to share at the party, not to mention the day devoted to love. Be my guest, however, and break out these lusty appetite quenchers whenever you need to naturally ignite you and your partner's libido. And even if they don't work for you, no biggie! They are all healthy choices that will benefit your body in more ways than one.

Kertney's Top 10 Flirty Foods:

10. Avocados: These ancient "alligator pears" were a favorite fertility fruit among Aztecs. Despite their voluptuous shape, the Aztecs believed that avocados, because they grow in pairs, resemble testicles. So much so that they named the avocado tree,  Ahuacatl- "testicle tree." They weren't big on innuendo, those Aztecs. The dangling idea continued with the Spaniards who loaded up on this naughty fruit. They were considered so naughty, in fact, the consumption of avocados was dubbed "sinful" and Catholic Priests banned their consumption. Why so sexy? In today's age, we have learned that avocados are anti-inflammatory, cancer fighting gems, packed with fiber, Omega 3 fatty acids, Vitamins K, B6 and C. Sexually speaking, however, they do a great job promoting  blood flow and blood sugar regulation- key factors that help get ones sexual organs ripe and ready to go. So, perhaps our ancestors were onto something? Guacamole, anyone?

9. Garlic: Grab your Altoids, gents, because garlic is a sure fire way to get your blood flowing in your mouth... and your boy-bits. Ancient Greeks believed that garlic's flavor "inflamed the passions" while unfaithful Egyptian husbands worshipped garlic's scent and chewed on a few cloves after visiting their mistresses. "The hummus in Giza is really garlicky, honey. I swear!"  The Hebrew Bible encourages eating your garlic on Friday nights to help get your Sabbath-freak-on and Roman brides carried bouquets of garlic in lieu of flowers to help in the bedroom. Why? Garlic, like avocados, promotes blood flow... and garlic specifically targets the male genitalia. Today's studies have confirmed that this pungent bulb is not only vitamin rich with cholesterol lowering abilities,  but it helps some men's sexual performance, especially those with erectile dysfunction. Unfortunately, studies have not been tested on male vampires or those two-timing Egyptian men. I hear Lorena Bobbit has Egyptian ancestors... and hates garlic.

8. Bananas: Gwen Stefani ain't the only one hollering about this phallus-like fruit. In Islam, banana leaves were responsible for covering Adam and Eve's nudity- not our Western fig leaves. (Banana leaves are huge, too. Islamic Adam must have been well endowed? YOWZAH!) In India, these slender yellow fruits of love are still an offering to fertility Gods. The sap from it's Central American red brother is sipped as a love potion/hormone inducer. Banana's are rich in B vitamins and potassium, both key ingredients for sexual hormone production. Potassium-rich banana's are also a way to rid yourself (or your partner) of those pesky, bedtime headaches. It's win/win!

7. Asparagus: Say "merci"  for this erect veggie's orgasmic French name-sake. "Asperge" is actually French slang for penis. In fact, 19th Century French grooms were served THREE courses of this sexy shoot to prepare for a hopeful heir-raising evening. Asparagus is loaded with folic acid and folate- promoters of sex drive and fertility. Folate is also a histamine producer. Sure, histamine is responsible for many allergic reactions, but, is a key factor in producing orgasms. Studies have found that  men and women who have a hard time reaching the big 'O' have low blood plasma levels of histamine. Those who were treated with histamine supplements, found a significant improvement in the quality and quantity of their orgasms. Asparagus is the orgasm Holy Grail!

6. Seaweed-  Sushi is sexy... and now I know why. It's no coincidence that the Japanese are so wonderfully lascivious. Known in the U.S.A. for sushi and it's multi-billion dollar sex industry, among other things, the main diet of the Japanese consists of all things "sea" related... and they aren't the only ones.  The (not so) Virgin Islands shakes up a popular aphrodisiac libation, "Seamoss," mixed with rum, seaweed, milk and other spices. In Belize, if you order anything seaweed related, it is rumored that you'll get a wink and a high-five! Seaweed is rich in iodine, a well known blood pumping mineral. If you are trying to put a bun in the oven, insist that your man eat LOTS of this mineral. Seaweed is packed with vitamin E, which helps to naturally increase seamen production AND volume. No babies for you?  Wrap it up and eat it anyway. Seaweed is also loaded with the detoxifying mineral, manganese, a natural free element known to maintain a healthy sex drive. It's also packed with B2, a natural hormone producer. If you live in the Pittsburgh area and think sushi is sexy like I do, try the restaurant YAMA, and let me see your sushi roll! 

5. Honey-  Forget about the birds, lets talk about the bees! After all, if it weren't for those pollinating little instigators, we wouldn't have Aphrodite's favorite syrup. Like wine, honey has many colors, styles and flavors.  The Story of V insights The Kama Sutra which recommends the clover-variety of honey, enhanced with nutmeg, to heighten orgasm. It also insists on dabbing a little honey on the womanly bits so she doesn't taste like she's had too much seaweed, for example. Honey is an easily metabolized, natural JOLT of B vitamins and sugar. It's like having a Red Bull, but without the side effect. Studies also suggest that honey is a great source of boron, a trace chemical known for estrogen and testosterone production. So, skip the whipped cream, and bring some honey to the bedroom. Your stinger will thank you for it.

4. Basil: Bust out you best Italian accent, bambinos, and seduce her with some basil. Nicholas Culpeper, 16th century English botanist, touted this herb as the most powerful aphrodisiac for women.  With it's high levels of nutrients, anti-aging and anti-inflammatory properties coupled with it's robust, therapeutic smell, basil is reported to make a woman's senses erupt with sensuality... or a hankerin' for bruschetta? Either way, it's good. On the flip side, basil has a strong olfactory impact on men. The way to a man's heart is through his nose, folks! The same reaction which makes blood vessels engorge in the penis are also found in a man's nose. This lesser known olfactory fact was common knowledge years ago. Before a date, women would dust their chest with powdered basil or licorice root. Give it a shot, next time. If he repeatedly itches his nose, chances are he's ready to rock your world... or he's allergic basil? There's only one way to find out! 

3. Dark Chocolate: Aztecs liked grocery shopping in the naughty department, now didn't they? In preparation for romps in the rain forest, Emperor Monteczuma engorged himself with 50 golden chalices of "drinking chocolate" each day! The Cacao tree (Cacao, interestingly enough, is also the Mayan word for 'God Food') was worshipped, in fact, for it's sexual fueling abilities. Years later, Spanish conquistadors brought chocolate to Europe and somehow, I'm guessing through their delivery methods, chocolate became associated with sex. Conquistadors must have come up with the fancy red boxes? With it's muy sensual reputation, it makes sense that men give women chocolate on Valentines Day. Don't get too goose bumpy, though! Cortes and his crew also brought smallpox- which is what essentially wiped out the Aztecs-  and chocolate does jack squat for famine. Monteczuma may have been on to something in the bedroom, however, because chocolate has the same effect on our bodies as marijuana: anandamine. True, you won't crave Doritos and Dr. Thunder after eating a Hershey's bar (name dropper) but chocolate has minuscule levels of that neurotransmitter along with other neurotransmitters like serotonin and phenylethylamin. All key components known for their mood enhancing abilities/sugar rush that create euphoric feelings, often associated with love and sex. Unfortunately, however, there are no scientific studies to prove that chocolate is, in fact, a sex promoting candy. But feel free to chow 50 bars of chocolate per day and see where it lands you... other than the dentists chair. 

2. Red Wine: An Italian study concluded that women who drank 1- 2 glasses of red wine per day were more apt to have sex. Well, duh! Alcohol makes everything look and feel pretty, now doesn't it? Marie Antoinette claimed that the darker the wine, the more it resembles the musky scent of a man. Port wine is said to be the most aphrodesiatic of them all. Why? Well... alcohol helps boost ladies' testosterone levels and rids our minds of all of our insecurities (Do these socks make my ankles look big?) and our "to do" lists during love making. (Did I remember to take the clothes out of the washer?) According to Science Daily, red grape skins have resveratrol, a natural form of estrogen. Red wine promotes testosterone AND estrogen! Double whammy! So ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to sex remember this:  "The redder the bed-her." 




...And the number one Flirty Food on Kertney's list is <drum roll, please>
   

1. Licorice: The worlds GREATEST aphrodisiac! Ladies and gentlemen I give you the natural equivalent to Viagra for both men and women.  According to the University of Maryland Medical Research Center, licorice helps balance estrogen, regulate menstruation and increase the female libido. It also helps regulate the male endocrine system by refueling and leveling testosterone. The root from licorice is also a widely used herbal treatment for sore throats, respiratory infections and chronic fatigue, to name a few. The book, Scentsational Sex, written by the neurological director of Chicago's Smell, Taste, Treatment and Research Foundation, gives us a comprehensive guide based on results from testing with different scents. Licorice was the mack-daddy of them all. For example; A woman's libido was stronger when mixing the smell of licorice with cucumber. For men, the smell of licorice combined with DOUGHNUTS (of all things) increased the blood flow to the penis by 32% vs. that of licorice alone. Let's hope Marge Simpson keeps licorice in her pantry- she could be one happy woman! I wonder what the smell of licorice and beer could do for a guy?



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