Eat the Cupcake! Fat: 10 (somewhat scientific) Reasons Why.

The hype surrounding today's women and the need to be thin and fabulous all the time, and the sexism that drives this theory, is all around us. I get it. I do. I also think it's used as an excuse.

You heard me.

The thing is: When you eat like crap, you feel like crap. When you don't move your body on a regular basis, you feel like crap. And when you feel like crap, and you are no longer comfortable in your own skin, it's time to do something about it.

Weight loss begins in the brain- not the gut. It's a commitment and it is the easiest thing in the world to do, provided that you are ready to change your entire perception on life and it's priorities. Contradiction in terms much?

*Let's stop calling it weight loss. Let's call it "making weight." Sounds less dramatic.
Today's message about beauty and weight is up to interpretation of course; "Strong is the New Skinny," Thigh Gaps, "Fat and Fabulous," etc. The list goes on and on. Know that you are allowed to want to change your body and you are allowed to want to feel and look better for YOURSELF. If this is your goal, and you are doing this for you, then here are a few things to ponder about the dreaded f-word and the 10 reasons why... before you start making weight. Why should you listen to moi? Well...

10) Prescription Medications
Hell of a thing, right? You take a medication that helps your condition, yet, it's making you uncomfortably large and you hate yourself. Take antidepressants, for example. They help to combat low self esteem, anxiety, and general melancholy, yet, depending on the dose and length of time you have been on them, they are EXCELLENT at making you gain weight. And the fact that you clicked on this here Pinterest pin makes me assume that you aren't too happy about it. Oh, the irony.  Here is a link to a list of medications that are associated with weight gain.  This doesn't mean that you should stop taking your medications in pursuit of your goal outfit. And it sure as hell doesn't mean that you should shrug your shoulders and not eat healthy and break a sweat. It just means that you are going to have more homework to do. Meet with your health care provider and discuss your medications, your weight goals, and any alternatives or different dosages that may be available? Also discuss what types of supplements/vitamins that you are taking and that you should be taking? Here's a link to a few supplements that I recommend (actually MY doctor recommended them to me) to start your journey: Supplement Junkie

9) Deoxyribonucleic Acid, otherwise known as DNA

Look at your mum. Look at your dad. Aunt. Uncle. We all have a predetermined database that has designed how and where you are going to store fat and muscle. Genes create your body structure and they will predetermine size, shape and how one ages.  Duh. Embrace the things that make you different and accentuate the things that you love and that your body is good at. You are your only competition in this race, so stop comparing yourself to the 5'10, 23 year old. She has different parents. There isn't anything we can do about our bodies structure, but,  DNA does not predetermine what you are putting in your mouth and how often you are moving. Nice try.

8) Whore-moans 
Filthy little buggers, hormones. Unfortunately, they play a principal role in whether or not you can fit into your pants. Combine these little jokesters with a medication and, long story short, if you aren't doing something about it now, well...

Let's jump right on into Menopause for moment, shall we?

Menopause is an evil cow that wants you to be fat. She does. She told me so. During menopause, a woman's body slowly produces less of the hormones estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen helps to burn calories and increases your body's metabolic rate- how fast your body burns energy at rest- so, when you have less of that hormone, you are at a greater risk for weight gain. Akin to PMS, your estrogen levels are up and down, thus all of those crazy cravings and lack of energy. Difference is, PMS is more water retention than anything else. And once your estrogen levels even out after the cycle is over, you return to your normal, rage-free, fine self. Menopause? Not so much. And I hate to brake it to you, but, a woman's chances of gaining more weight after menopause are pretty freaking high unless we start doing something about it now. If you aren't in a good cardiovascular/ strength training routine... get ready. Muscle fights fat today and for the long term. 

7) "I don't wanna look all bulky." 

This one's my favorite. Most of the women who say this would sell their first born child for the chance to look like the model in the inspirational meme they just posted on Facebook.  Get over yourself and get into the weight room. A solid cardio and strength training regime is what you need to combat the fat for the long term. When you can't make it to class, you should do something- a brisk walk, bike ride, squats, pushups.. something. But, lifting something heavier than your purse on a regular basis is key to a strong body.  Muscle mass helps burn EXTRA calories, even when you aren't doing a damn thing. Our bodies burn more calories maintaining muscle than they do maintaining fat. Most importantly, building muscle mass now increases bone density and keeps you strong for say, when at 70, you trip over your Yorkie-Poo on your way from the mailbox. Only you won't be the old fart that breaks your hip. Catch my drift?

But won't lifting weights make me GAIN weight? Yes. But it's helping you lose the fluff. 

Get this: I am 160 lbs. My BMI says I'm "overweight" and that's easily the most absurd bullshit on earth. Let's put it this way: I was was 150 lbs and in the "normal" range this summer and my size 8's still didn't fit. I started lifting, lost some fat, gained muscle, and now my Lucky Brand size 8 skinny jeans fit like a glove. Make sense? Muscle is denser than fat, but it takes up less space. BMI doesn't account for muscularity. BMI also doesn't calculate that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are stellar, my back problems are all but gone, and my migraines are far, far less frequent. So believe me when I say that BMI calculations and the number on the scale means nothing as far as calculating one's health. Muscle burns calories 24/7. Fat does not. Of course, you can lift/exercise all day and not see a change if you aren't making the right nutritional choices.

6)"It's only 100 calories."  

Put down your fat free yogurt and your *skinny* latte, it's not doing you any favors. Like many gullible citizens, I bought things that said, "low calorie," "low fat" and "sugar free." Hell, I was the whole wheat champion. I thought that I was eating healthy? I mean, I'm buying everything that said it was healthy for me, so, what's the deal? I'm not seeing any results!

My beloved friend, Muy Thai champ, restaurant owner, and personal trainer put it to me this way:

You don't go to the produce department and see broccoli advertised as, "FAT FREE" or "LOW IN SUGAR," do you? 

Point taken. There are different types of calories and they all play different roles in the human body. There are nutrient-rich calories and nutrient-dense calories. Nutrient-dense calories are the ones found in pre packaged fat/sugar/calorie free foods and they are ones starving the body,  keeping you hungry, and keeping your fat right where it is. I won't go on about nutrient rich calories. You should know about what those are. Bacon is one of them. Oh, and the whole egg, not just the whites.


5) STRESS!!

Stress is a deal breaker- especially for visceral fat. Belly fat.  Every endocrinologist will agree that humans crave carbohydrates during stressful situations. The body goes into a type of fight-or-flight response where it immediately looks for stored fuel, expels it, and demands more, thus, over eating and weight gain. How? Those damn hormones again.

Cortisol is a hormone that works with insulin to let our bodies know when we are HANGRY and when to store the fuel for energy. As it happens, belly fat is an active tissue that has more cortisol reacting receptors than anywhere else on the human body. When we stress out, all of those receptors react in the midsection, as if it were starving to death, sending your adrenal system into full throttle making room for more unnecessary fat storage. This is where I tell you to have healthy snacks on hand and stay hydrated, but, in my experience, dieting is the most stressful thing on the earth. Want to know how to beat the stress?

4) Eat the #$%* cupcake 

You heard me. Just eat it.

Take this scenario for example:

You are doing everything "right." You are exercising. You are strength training. You are eating healthy. You are working hard... And you are stressing out over it because all you want is one of the cupcakes Mary Jo brought in from home... but you can't because you are on a flat belly mission... but you really, really need one... but you can't because you are so close to meeting your calorie limit on Fitness Pal...

As we have just discussed, stress is a deal breaker in the weight department. There will come a time in your nutritional journey when you just aren't hungry and you just don't need the cupcake. And then there will be days when the world may explode if you don't "treat yo'self." Do yourself a favor and eat the cupcake. Eat it hard. It's not going to break the bank. Start over tomorrow. No big deal. Seriously.


3) Anything with "fix" or "results" the title? Don't buy it.  

Shakeology, Weight Watchers, Isolean, you name it. That high priced, powdered, pre flavored blend of liquid "nutrition" isn't doing you any favors either. Get-thin-quick products are created by teams of money hungry bastards that are banking on America's lazy attitude towards nutrition and weight loss. Guess what?  You are the only tool you need to lose weight. You and you alone. Go find a grocery store with a meat department and a produce aisle. Buy some of that. Learn how to use the ingredients. Enjoy preparing them. Now go and sweat. Sweat a lot. Invest in yourself for the long haul. Mark my words: You will not be "21 day fixing" for the rest of your life. Buy fresh, quality food and exercise. Invest in yourself. YOU are your name

2. Sweat, and then sweat some more, and then DRINK YOUR WATER! 
The human body will mistake dehydration for hunger 99% of the time. That's right. Those food cravings are probably thirst-related. Hello? Our bodies are made of 60% water. We need it. Bad. And if you are working out somewhat regularly, you really, really need it. Now, I'm not insisting that you clean out a milk jug and filler up, but, there's a reason why these body builder types are drinking all this H20 and I guarantee that YOU aren't drinking your fare share. Shoot for about 1.5- 2 liters of the clear stuff per day. If you aren't ready for just straight water, make my Power Water. You will eat less when you drink more water. If you are lifting or doing some HARD cardio, mix your water with an amino acid powder or some 100% grapefruit juice.  I recommend taking some supplements to help retain this extra moisture and help rid the body of toxins. Here's the link to my info about that:Gym Supplements.


1) Compensating food for exercise. 

How many of you have said, "I can have this Pop Tart because I worked out today." Or... "Another glass of wine won't hurt, I did a Les Mills class."

Sorry, sweet thang,  it don't work that way.

In order to lose fat you have to create a calorie deficit. You must burn more than you take in. I know, I know...  I just told you to "Eat the #$%* Cupcake," but that's a once in a while thing. We all have to pick our battles. Even Serena Williams can't out-exercise a poor diet. It doesn't matter how much time you spend at the gym or at Zumba... you cannot eat processed food and expect results. And trust me, Serena isn't eating any bullshit before and during competitions, but, she picks her battles. Hell, even Ronda Rousey will tell you that her food is more for fuel than taste. *She also attributes a few rolls in the hay (not the mat) to her energy levels. I have some great food ideas if you are interested in that weight loss avenue? *

But Kertney, I'm not making weight to win a UFC belt!  I just want to comfortably fasten my own!

After I lift or take a cardio class, I refuel my body with a protein shake. Drinking a shake or eating a nutrient-rich meal will help repair muscle tears, give you back the energy that you lost, and help cut by rehydrating the body. Not refueling directly after a workout is another one of the biggest mistakes people make, in my opinion. I made it for quite sometime. You only have a good 30-45 minute window to consume this snack without harming your calorie deficit. Why? Because your body is still in calorie burn over drive due to that all that crazy cortisol. Here's a link with a recipe for one of my go-to protein smoothies as well as a few supplements that will help you burn fat.  If you need a meal, make it yourself.

Use a few recipes from this here bloggity-blog, for starters.

• 400 Calorie Panera Bread Fake-out
• 400 Cal Chicken Teriyaki ginger Lettuce Wraps
• Polynesian Paleo Balls
• 450 Calorie Korean Quinoa
• Greek Chicken Souvlaki Gyros

Meal prepping is a brilliant tool for keeping you full and focused on your goals throughout the work week. Make a bunch of fresh things on Sunday. Split them up into containers for a week's worth of lunches. Dinner's all up to you. Crock pot/ set it and forget it meals are an excellent tool, too. 

Cheers to beers... and puppies! 

In this new year, I'm going to bring some recipes to the table as well as some exercises that help build strength and endurance. These will be things that I use in the gym and the things I do at home; things that have helped me lose fat, build muscle, revamp metabolism, heal back problems, lose migraines, and, more importantly, make me feel confident in my own skin.  I have a few fitness related goals of my own- biceps for one. I'd love to lose some belly fat and get leaner, but we'll see about that? I'm not about to starve myself. I'm also going to bring some more vegetarian meals to the table and the blog. I am a self professed carnivore, but, I notice a significant improvement in my bowels (yay, poop!) with less of it. I still have things I want to improve on for me. Just to see how far I can go... without getting too obnoxious about it. 

Simple Tandoori Chicken- no Tandoor needed

Tandoori Chicken- no Tandoor required. 

Wait. What's a tandoor and why don't I need it for this recipe? 

A tandoor is a big, round, clay (or metal) oven used in southern and western Asia. Tandoori chicken (not just a clever name) is a traditional dish served in India and Pakistan and it requires, you guessed it, a tandoor oven. 

Not today, my friends.

I do not have a Tandoor oven, but, I do have a grill and a regular-schmegular oven. If you have those things and the next few ingredients, you are set for some delicious chicken. No joke. It's good. Be advised that this recipe needs to marinate in the fridge for 1-2 days to absorb all of the wonderful flavor. One it has marinated, the cooking process and the side dishes couldn't be easier... and quick.

Serves 2-6
Prep time: 30 minutes (not including the marinating process of course)

• 1 package of boneless/skinless chicken thighs. *Ususally six per pkg.
• 1 single serving container of 2% Fagè Greek yogurt 
• 2 tbsp Olive or Avocado oil
• 1 tbsp salt
• 2 cloves freshly crushed garlic
• 3-4 tbsp Tandoori spice blend  *You can buy this spice at any Indian grocer/restaurant or grocery store with an international section, or, you can make the blend yourself. I recommend getting it from Penzeys! The saffron and paprika is what really gives this chicken it's red color.  Saffron can be a pricey spice, but, it's worth it. 
• 1 White onion, sliced
• 1 Green bell pepper, sliced
• 1/2 Lemon cut into wedges 
• 1 cup of fresh cilantro- chopped
• Naan bread
• 2 cups Basmati rice 
• 3 Cardamom pods

Add the chicken thighs, tandoori spice, oil, yogurt and garlic to a large ziplock bag. Seal the bag and coat the chicken pieces. Put it in the fridge and wait for 1-2 days. I recommend two days. Really, really beautiful flavor after two days of marinating. 

When you are ready to prepare the chicken, start your rice first. (Check out my page on how to steam the perfect pot o' rice)  Only this time, add 3 cardamom pods to the water. Don't fish them out after the process!! Let the family do that. Besides, it's good luck to find one-- or so I tell my family. Heh, heh...  

Next, slice your lemons, onion, bell pepper and chop the cilantro. Shouldn't take you more than 20 minutes, tops. 

Pre-oil the grill slats, and set it to the low flame setting. Next, preheat your oven to 400° and prepare some tinfoil in a baking dish or a cookie sheet. Next prepare a grill-safe sautee pan or pizza pan with non-stick spray. 

Place the chicken on the grill and let it brown and char; About 3-4 minutes on each side. After they are good and brown- you should notice the red coloring right away- place them on your prepared pan and in the 400° oven for 10 minutes to finish the cooking process. Why both? Well... The sugar from certain tandoori spices, coupled with the yogurt, tends to burn rather quickly. Best to finish it in the over for a few minutes to avoid burned, raw chicken.

While the chicken is in the oven, put the grill pan directly on the grill and let it get hot. Add the onions and green peppers and sautee them. Close the lid for 2 minutes or so. Add a touch of salt to the veggies after they have browned slightly. Once the chicken is finished cooking, you are ready to serve over the rice. Be sure to drizzle the juice from the oven cooked chicken back over itself and onto the rice. Garnish it with the lemon and cilantro. Don't forget the Naan bread! 

If you wish to make another awesome Indian-inspired dish, try my Coconut Butter Chicken. ERMERGHED! Easily one of my favorites. 

Enjoy! 

Gym Fuel: Supplements for a MEANER sweat and a STRONGER you.

"You don't sweat much...
                   for a fat chick." 

- HEY!?  

Check it: Sometimes I need a little extra motivation to get my bum to the gym, let alone break a sweat. This blog will highlight a few things I have learned to help jump start adrenaline, refuel muscles, and multiply metabolism. 





My last blog about supplements has over 700 Pinterest pins, thousands of page views, and has officially catapulted this here goofy food/nutrition chick onto Google's $earch engine radar. Not bad, eh? I continue to get emails from folks inspired by the blog, it's recipes, Momma Gone Fit, and how it has helped them tackle their own weight obstacles. 

 Humbling is an understatement.

Sun's out guns out. My third picture is coming along. 

I have been my own Nutritional Guinea Pig for almost five years now. It's no secret that I love to eat, I love a cold craft beer (or three), and I also love to break a sweat. My new passion is strength training. Lifting heavy things is a game changer. Oh, and I have taken to boxing and MMA. I'm no Ronda Rousey, but, ladies, if you have young children, a job, and/or a significant other; Wailing on a heavy bag is the best damn feeling in the world.

True dat. 

Let's dig in. Here's what I use BEFORE I break a sweat. 

**Before we begin, let me go on record as saying that I am not a licensed nutritional anything. Feel free to try all of these things at your own discretion. These are the supplements that work for moi, and they may or may not work for you? Sharing is caring** 

Green Tea & Fish Oil. 
Together, at last.

I take these bad boys (two each- four total) with my coffee and a light, snack-like breakfast- I like to workout early in the morning- a good 20 minutes before I begin my workout. What's a good pre workout food? I usually slather a tablespoon or two of almond butter onto a piece of Ezekiel bread or eat a few banana oatmeal protein nuggets. Yeah, it sounds weird, but, they are clean, tasty, and loaded with protein. If you can think of a better title, hit me up. Some fitness gurus tell you not to eat before you sweat to increase fat loss, but, that argument is debatable. If you are prone to migraines, for example, eat a little something first-- especially if you plan on taking these two supplements! 

Green Tea: Fat burners get a lot of flack, but, this one is different-ish. Why? Epigallocatechin-3-gallate. Say that three times fast. You can click onto any body building website and read up on the 10-
syllabled properties found therein. Long story short: Green Tea uses your body's fat burning hormone to support heat, thus, has the ability to make you sweat. The EGCG's in green tea, coupled with caffeine, double that result. Add a fitness routine to those elements, and you'll need a beach towel and a mop after spin class. Brew up some green tea at home to drink round the clock. 

Fish Oil: If you haven't burped up fishy fumes during a HIIT session, you've never lived, my friend. Sure, sure, you can buy the burp-less supplements, but, then you're talking an extra $10 a bottle with LESS product. I say: Go full-burp. You get used to it. Why are you taking fish oil with green tea? Remember what I said about dragging ass and not "feeling" the gym? Fish oil, in addition to being amazing for bone health and cholesterol, is known for boosting serotonin, the body's happy hormone. When both your serotonin and norepinephrine levels are raised, you will want to work out,  you will perform better, and you will sweat harder and go longer. Sounds like a Viagra commercial!  On a personal note, I have noticed a dramatic difference in my focus and my drive. Also noticed a difference in my mid section! No erections, though. Dodged that bullet.

After a good burn, you MUST refuel... and you only have a short time window in which to do so.  Your body is still in fat burn mode up to 30minutes after a workout. Consume those calories in that window for a faster metabolic break down and for muscle repair and regrowth. You need a fast, nutritionally packed food. Make a smoothie. Just do it.  

The struggle is real, my friends. 

No WHEY!? 

-Whey! 

Jump on the bandwagon and drink a whey shake already. I have tried a dozen or so powdery whey products and they are all about the same, save for two things. 1) How much filler they use and 2) TASTE!

Some protein powders are gross. Especially anything labeled "vegan" or "cookie." In your journey for the best whey, you'll read about amino acids- they help with muscle/tissue repair for bigger, faster guns- but ultimately, you have to enjoy the taste in order continue drinking it. I have found that, like everything food related, more ingredients = less tasty. (This does not apply to Indian curry. Bring ON the ingredients)  And, if you're like me, you want something that won't break the bank. Those flashy tubs of powder at Costco are EXPENSIVE! Unless you are a fitness competitor, being ripped is your career, and/or you are trying to make quality gains for a FLEX photoshoot, don't go broke over this. Whey is whey. Keep the ingredients low and the protein content high. Simple as that. I use EAS 100% Whey- Vanilla flavored protein powder.  If any of the muscley gym rats pause from their gainz selfie to razz you over this choice and it's "low amino/vitamin content," ask them how their Hot-n-Ready cheat pizza's were last night? 

Here's my recipe for one of my go-to after workout smoothies. Larry thinks it needs tuna. Um... maybe next time, bud? 

• 1/4 cup frozen peaches
• 1/4 cup frozen mango 
• 1/4 cup frozen pineapple
• 2 scoops whey protein 
• 1/4 cup almond milk 
• 1tsp whole flax seeds (optional but worth it) 
• 2 tablespoons of water 
• A couple o' ice cubes 
• Blend well and drink.

Note: If anyone sees my husband, remind him that I want a Vitamix under the tree. K-thanks.

My next nutritional bloggity-blog will be devoted to supplements you should take before bed time. We all burn calories while we sleep. (Mind. Blown) We might as well help them along, eh? Before you start downing supplements, read a few things about how you may be sabotaging your own goals: Fat: 10 Reasons Why

Tune in next time. 

Kitchen Improv: Clean Crockpot Marinara/ Sunday Gravy

Make this basic marinara happen in your kitchen... or... backyard? That's where I'll be making this stuff for a while. My sis calls it "Glamping." I like it. Take THAT hipsters!

Wait. Why in the hell are you making sauce in the backyard? 

 Excellent question. 

Allow me to elaborate. 

We are involved in what you might call a "Renters Nightmare." Our  transition/rental home, here in Olympia Washington, has tested positive for black mold and asbestos after a major leak was discovered under the dish washer.

Great.

 Long story short: The kitchen was abated, gutted, and for the past month, my family of six has been without a kitchen while they take their sweet ass time reconstructing it. Time perspective: Our kitchen has been unusable sine June 28th. In lieu of eating out (cha-ching) and nuking anything microwavable, I choose to cook.

Today it's marinara.

Sure, I could open a bottle of Prego (barf) but, I refuse to succumb! I married an Italian kid, see? The one thing that we both agree on is sauce. Homemade marinara is what we like. And if you make enough of it... you'll never need store bought. Of course I was out of the homemade stuff- go figure. Time to make some more. Only this time, I'll use a crock pot... because I have no range. FML. I have found that crockpot Sunday Gravy is where it's at! I'll do it this way from now on.

I love set-it-and-forget-it meals.

Clean Crockpot Sunday Gravy, a.k.a Traditional Marinara 
Prep time: 10 minutes    Cook time: ** see below**
Yields: 3-4 pints of Sketti Sauce

Note: Traditional Italian food is ALWAYS clean. The ingredients are fresh and, most likely, picked that day. "Clean eating" is merely a catchy phrase for fresh. Simple ingredients make for the most incredible flavor. 

1 12 oz can of whole (good quality) tomatoes

Double Note: Don't use shitty, Walmart tomatoes, please. Use the good stuff- it's what makes a good marinara... um... good. Go $an Marzano if you want, but, I've found that Trader Joe's has quality, cost friendly, canned tomatoes- perfect balance of sweetness and acidity. Get the good stuff. You deserve it. Wanna go full hipster? Use fresh tomatoes, de-skinned.  Shout out to Serious Eats for doing the taste testing!! 

You've never lived until you've made
 pasta on the grill

1 Small can of tomato paste
1/2 jar of roasted red peppers
1/2 can of water (use the tomato can)
2 tbsp olive oil
Juice of 1 lemon
1 heaping tbsp raw sugar
4-5 cloves of freshly peeled garlic (whole clove, not pressed)
10 fresh basil leaves
Pinch of Fennel seed *optional, but it gives the sauce a beautiful flavor*
3 tsp pepper
2 tbsp sea salt

It's pretty simple really. Add all of the above ingredients into a crock pot. You can do the next step one of two ways:

**1) If you are preparing this before work- let it crock on low heat until you get home. 
**2) Or, if you please, let it crock on high heat for 3 hours and low heat for 1 hour. 

Up to you. It's a "set-it-and-forget-it" sauce, remember. Nothing to get worked up about time-wise when it's on low all day.  The trick to a fantastic sauce is minimal, fresh ingredients.... and letting is slow cook. Jussayin. 

Once it's happy and warm, add the crocked marinara, in small

Fancy, eh? 

batches, to a blender or food processor. Blend/pulse the mixture well and add your Sunday Gravy to some mason jars for later storage. Get some pasta going, rip off a hunk of sourdough,  and presto! Dinner is served, baby. The beautiful thing is... you'll have enough marinara left over that you can freeze or preserve for a future dinner. I guarantee that once you've made this marinara/ Sunday Gravy, you'll never want store bought again. If you are looking to preserve this with, say, the 'maters in your garden, check out my Jarring101 page. 

Kertney's Clam Chowdah- PNW Style

Let me bring you up to speed. In September, the family and I moved from the conservative, blue collar, fish fry, steel city known as Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to the state of conservation, rainbows and GMO-free range Teriyaki and Phó. That's right. I now reside in Washington. Olympia, Washington to be exact. Quite the cross country move, I know. And no, I don't have any ganja recipes... yet. Long story short, I wanted to get my hands on some seafood! I live near the Pacific Ocean now, baby. Fresh seafood is hard (and expensive) to come by in Pittsburgh. My oldest spawn loves her some clams. We always buy enough clams to eat fresh... but mom loves her some chowdah. Soup's on, ya'll!  

This recipe is creamy, sweet, savory, and delicious. Perfect for the winter days ahead and pretty easy to prepare. Find a nice, crunchy bread to dip it into. 

Kert's Clam Chowdah'
Serves 2-4 
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cook time: 30 minutes

• 1/2 pint of cream
• 2 cups chicken stock
• 3 pieces of thick sliced bacon- chopped
• 1/2 cup frozen corn (or class it up with the fresh stuff) 
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1/2 cup leeks chopped
• 4 medium white potatoes, diced
• 1 shallot finely chopped 
• 1 celery stalk, chopped
• 2 small carrots, chopped  
• Pinch of whole fennel seeds *optional
• bay leaf
• 1lb freshly steamed and chopped little neck clams or 2 cans o' clams (reserve the juice)
• salt
• pepper
• fresh thyme

In a large sauce pot, on medium heat, add your bacon. Once the pieces are cooked and crunchy, remove them from the grease and let it drain on a paper towel- set aside for later. Lower the heat a tad and (to the bacon grease) add the shallots, leeks, celery, carrots and bay leaf. Stir it around a bit for a minute or two, raise the temperature to medium-high heat and add the clams, clam juice, stock, fennel, corn, peas and potatoes. Let that simmer together for 15 minutes. Once the liquids have reduced, add the cream. Let that sit, stirring occasionally, on a low simmer, for another 15-20 minutes until it has reduced and thickened slightly. TASTE IT! The bacon and clam juice add a bunch of salt to the soup already, but, you may want more? If it needs it, put some in thurrr. Feel free to fish out the bay leaf, but, in my house- whoever gets it in their bowl gets to do the dishes. No brainer. Leave it in there. 


Ladle the chowder into your bowls and top with the crunchy bacon pieces, fresh thyme and freshly cracked pepper. You need a big hunk o' bread with this, too. Make sure you've made your own bread made from freshly pressed durum wheat and aged Sicilian sourdough as well as freshly picked thyme... and invited all of your sassy gay friends. If you don't have homemade bread and only mediocre gay friends, store-bought is fine... I guess? 

Power H20: Make water taste tasty

Out of alllll of my recipes, this is the one folks want the most. 

Check it: The super sweaty, hard-ass, MMA guys and gals who trained at my gym (Shout out to Absolute Fitness Academy) would beg me for it. Well... maybe not beg? But... they liked it. Anyway... there's a cutesy name for this recipe called,  "Sassy Water." Needless to say that the boys in the cage weren't going to drink "sassy" anything. Power H20 it is. 

Why Power H20? Lets face it: When you're trying to cut back on sugary drinks, you need something stronger than a bottle of Aquafina. Power H20 is also a gut calming solution as well as a pretty refresher to serve at any backyard soiree... or a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu sparring workshop? Same difference. 

1 tbsp Fresh Ginger, grated

8 Fresh mint leaves

10 Peeled cucumber slices (thin)

1/2 of sliced lemon

1 cup of Pomegranate- if it's in season?

32oz of water - a standard size pitcher  

Combine all of the above ingredients the night before. Let them get happy in the fridge and chill over night. Serve with ice and enjoy! 

*Now, you can make this bad boy with just about any fruit your heart is set upon. It's excellent with oranges, blueberries, strawberry, peaches... you name it. Just keep the cucumber, ginger, and mint in there- Those are the three magical ingredients that make this a good drink for digestion. Ginger and mint are widely used, natural, anti-inflammatories, and cucumber is a tried and true ingredient that reduces swelling and puffiness. (Why do you think spas use it over those baggy eyes?) 

When the pitcher is empty, you will be left with... well,  a cucumber, ginger, mint salad. Strain the residual water from the bits, remove the lemons and some of the mint leaves; Stir in a bit of olive oil, rice wine vinegar and cracked pepper and nom, nom, nom. Nothing goes to waste. 

Sriracha Pickles: Oh, yeah... I went there.

Like Sriracha? Like pickles? Do you want them to get married and have babies? 

Be forewarned: There's no going back to a regular pickle after this. It took me a few tries to get them right, but, make no mistake my friends. You will eat these bad boys like orange Tic-Tacs on a middle school field trip.  




If there is anyone who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold their boring-ass pickle. PS: I served a few batches of this stuff to paying customers at my friend's restaurant, The Ball Joint. He's got a Sriracha Slam sauce that's outrageously good and a sub that requires a pickle to go with it. Let's just say that the customers liked them... A LOT! 


Easy Cold Pack Sriracha Pickles
Makes 4-5 pint jars  
Prep Time: 45 minutes
Rest time: 2-3 weeks

• 2-3lbs cucumbers, sliced
• Fresh Cilantro
• Fresh Dill
• Fresh red, skinny chiles (whole)
• White Vinegar
• 1/2 Red onion, THINLY sliced 
• 1/2 cup Sriracha 
• 10 large Garlic Cloves
• Pickle Crisp (Calcium Chloride) *optional, but worth it
• Water
• Pickling Salt
• Sugar

1) Sterilize your mason jars! Botulism is bad!

2) Add 2 sprigs of dill, a few slices of red onion, 2 sprigs of cilantro,  1 chile pepper, clove or two of garlic and 1/4 tsp of calcium bottom of your jars

4) Make a LARGE bowl of ice water  Slice your cucumbers and add them to the ice bath. Let them sit for 30 minutes to chill!

5) In a large sauce pot, on medium heat, add 1 cup of pickling salt and 1/2 cup sugar to 3 1/2 cups of white, distilled vinegar. Next add the Sriracha. Stir it up until the brine is warm and the salt is fully dissolved.

6) Pack your icy cukes into the mason jars with the skin facing outward, toward the glass. I've found that it's easier to pack them that way. ***Now... TASTE THE BRINE! Is it TOO salty? TOO sweet? Too hot? Not spicy enough? Cucumbers harbor a TON of water which helps to dissolve the spicy tang. If the brine is too much for your tastebuds, add some water to it. If you think you went too light on the heat, add another chile or 1/4 cup of Sriracha*** 

"Pickles have been around for a looong time. Cleopatra got her good looks from eating a healthy diet of pickles. And come to think of it, Christopher Columbus was the first to introduce pickles to the New World... along with smallpox... and slavery."



7) Pour your hot liquid over the packed cucumbers and fill until the brine just covers the top of the spears. Put a lid on it and immediately put those bad boys in the fridge. They should be ready to eat in one week, but wait until week three. (They taste better the longer they rest) I know, I know... "I have to wait three friggin' weeks for these." Yes. Babies need time to incubate before they can be born... and eaten. Wanna jar them and store them, check out my jarring page.