Kitchen Improv: Clean Crockpot Marinara/ Sunday Gravy

Make this basic marinara happen in your kitchen... or... backyard? That's where I'll be making this stuff for a while. My sis calls it "Glamping." I like it. Take THAT hipsters!

Wait. Why in the hell are you making sauce in the backyard? 

 Excellent question. 

Allow me to elaborate. 

We are involved in what you might call a "Renters Nightmare." Our  transition/rental home, here in Olympia Washington, has tested positive for black mold and asbestos after a major leak was discovered under the dish washer.

Great.

 Long story short: The kitchen was abated, gutted, and for the past month, my family of six has been without a kitchen while they take their sweet ass time reconstructing it. Time perspective: Our kitchen has been unusable sine June 28th. In lieu of eating out (cha-ching) and nuking anything microwavable, I choose to cook.

Today it's marinara.

Sure, I could open a bottle of Prego (barf) but, I refuse to succumb! I married an Italian kid, see? The one thing that we both agree on is sauce. Homemade marinara is what we like. And if you make enough of it... you'll never need store bought. Of course I was out of the homemade stuff- go figure. Time to make some more. Only this time, I'll use a crock pot... because I have no range. FML. I have found that crockpot Sunday Gravy is where it's at! I'll do it this way from now on.

I love set-it-and-forget-it meals.

Clean Crockpot Sunday Gravy, a.k.a Traditional Marinara 
Prep time: 10 minutes    Cook time: ** see below**
Yields: 3-4 pints of Sketti Sauce

Note: Traditional Italian food is ALWAYS clean. The ingredients are fresh and, most likely, picked that day. "Clean eating" is merely a catchy phrase for fresh. Simple ingredients make for the most incredible flavor. 

1 12 oz can of whole (good quality) tomatoes

Double Note: Don't use shitty, Walmart tomatoes, please. Use the good stuff- it's what makes a good marinara... um... good. Go $an Marzano if you want, but, I've found that Trader Joe's has quality, cost friendly, canned tomatoes- perfect balance of sweetness and acidity. Get the good stuff. You deserve it. Wanna go full hipster? Use fresh tomatoes, de-skinned.  Shout out to Serious Eats for doing the taste testing!! 

You've never lived until you've made
 pasta on the grill

1 Small can of tomato paste
1/2 jar of roasted red peppers
1/2 can of water (use the tomato can)
2 tbsp olive oil
Juice of 1 lemon
1 heaping tbsp raw sugar
4-5 cloves of freshly peeled garlic (whole clove, not pressed)
10 fresh basil leaves
Pinch of Fennel seed *optional, but it gives the sauce a beautiful flavor*
3 tsp pepper
2 tbsp sea salt

It's pretty simple really. Add all of the above ingredients into a crock pot. You can do the next step one of two ways:

**1) If you are preparing this before work- let it crock on low heat until you get home. 
**2) Or, if you please, let it crock on high heat for 3 hours and low heat for 1 hour. 

Up to you. It's a "set-it-and-forget-it" sauce, remember. Nothing to get worked up about time-wise when it's on low all day.  The trick to a fantastic sauce is minimal, fresh ingredients.... and letting is slow cook. Jussayin. 

Once it's happy and warm, add the crocked marinara, in small

Fancy, eh? 

batches, to a blender or food processor. Blend/pulse the mixture well and add your Sunday Gravy to some mason jars for later storage. Get some pasta going, rip off a hunk of sourdough,  and presto! Dinner is served, baby. The beautiful thing is... you'll have enough marinara left over that you can freeze or preserve for a future dinner. I guarantee that once you've made this marinara/ Sunday Gravy, you'll never want store bought again. If you are looking to preserve this with, say, the 'maters in your garden, check out my Jarring101 page. 

Kertney's Clam Chowdah- PNW Style

Let me bring you up to speed. In September, the family and I moved from the conservative, blue collar, fish fry, steel city known as Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to the state of conservation, rainbows and GMO-free range Teriyaki and Phó. That's right. I now reside in Washington. Olympia, Washington to be exact. Quite the cross country move, I know. And no, I don't have any ganja recipes... yet. Long story short, I wanted to get my hands on some seafood! I live near the Pacific Ocean now, baby. Fresh seafood is hard (and expensive) to come by in Pittsburgh. My oldest spawn loves her some clams. We always buy enough clams to eat fresh... but mom loves her some chowdah. Soup's on, ya'll!  

This recipe is creamy, sweet, savory, and delicious. Perfect for the winter days ahead and pretty easy to prepare. Find a nice, crunchy bread to dip it into. 

Kert's Clam Chowdah'
Serves 2-4 
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cook time: 30 minutes

• 1/2 pint of cream
• 2 cups chicken stock
• 3 pieces of thick sliced bacon- chopped
• 1/2 cup frozen corn (or class it up with the fresh stuff) 
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1/2 cup leeks chopped
• 4 medium white potatoes, diced
• 1 shallot finely chopped 
• 1 celery stalk, chopped
• 2 small carrots, chopped  
• Pinch of whole fennel seeds *optional
• bay leaf
• 1lb freshly steamed and chopped little neck clams or 2 cans o' clams (reserve the juice)
• salt
• pepper
• fresh thyme

In a large sauce pot, on medium heat, add your bacon. Once the pieces are cooked and crunchy, remove them from the grease and let it drain on a paper towel- set aside for later. Lower the heat a tad and (to the bacon grease) add the shallots, leeks, celery, carrots and bay leaf. Stir it around a bit for a minute or two, raise the temperature to medium-high heat and add the clams, clam juice, stock, fennel, corn, peas and potatoes. Let that simmer together for 15 minutes. Once the liquids have reduced, add the cream. Let that sit, stirring occasionally, on a low simmer, for another 15-20 minutes until it has reduced and thickened slightly. TASTE IT! The bacon and clam juice add a bunch of salt to the soup already, but, you may want more? If it needs it, put some in thurrr. Feel free to fish out the bay leaf, but, in my house- whoever gets it in their bowl gets to do the dishes. No brainer. Leave it in there. 


Ladle the chowder into your bowls and top with the crunchy bacon pieces, fresh thyme and freshly cracked pepper. You need a big hunk o' bread with this, too. Make sure you've made your own bread made from freshly pressed durum wheat and aged Sicilian sourdough as well as freshly picked thyme... and invited all of your sassy gay friends. If you don't have homemade bread and only mediocre gay friends, store-bought is fine... I guess? 

Power H20: Make water taste tasty

Out of alllll of my recipes, this is the one folks want the most. 

Check it: The super sweaty, hard-ass, MMA guys and gals who trained at my gym (Shout out to Absolute Fitness Academy) would beg me for it. Well... maybe not beg? But... they liked it. Anyway... there's a cutesy name for this recipe called,  "Sassy Water." Needless to say that the boys in the cage weren't going to drink "sassy" anything. Power H20 it is. 

Why Power H20? Lets face it: When you're trying to cut back on sugary drinks, you need something stronger than a bottle of Aquafina. Power H20 is also a gut calming solution as well as a pretty refresher to serve at any backyard soiree... or a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu sparring workshop? Same difference. 

1 tbsp Fresh Ginger, grated

8 Fresh mint leaves

10 Peeled cucumber slices (thin)

1/2 of sliced lemon

1 cup of Pomegranate- if it's in season?

32oz of water - a standard size pitcher  

Combine all of the above ingredients the night before. Let them get happy in the fridge and chill over night. Serve with ice and enjoy! 

*Now, you can make this bad boy with just about any fruit your heart is set upon. It's excellent with oranges, blueberries, strawberry, peaches... you name it. Just keep the cucumber, ginger, and mint in there- Those are the three magical ingredients that make this a good drink for digestion. Ginger and mint are widely used, natural, anti-inflammatories, and cucumber is a tried and true ingredient that reduces swelling and puffiness. (Why do you think spas use it over those baggy eyes?) 

When the pitcher is empty, you will be left with... well,  a cucumber, ginger, mint salad. Strain the residual water from the bits, remove the lemons and some of the mint leaves; Stir in a bit of olive oil, rice wine vinegar and cracked pepper and nom, nom, nom. Nothing goes to waste. 

Sriracha Pickles: Oh, yeah... I went there.

Like Sriracha? Like pickles? Do you want them to get married and have babies? 

Be forewarned: There's no going back to a regular pickle after this. It took me a few tries to get them right, but, make no mistake my friends. You will eat these bad boys like orange Tic-Tacs on a middle school field trip.  




If there is anyone who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold their boring-ass pickle. PS: I served a few batches of this stuff to paying customers at my friend's restaurant, The Ball Joint. He's got a Sriracha Slam sauce that's outrageously good and a sub that requires a pickle to go with it. Let's just say that the customers liked them... A LOT! 


Easy Cold Pack Sriracha Pickles
Makes 4-5 pint jars  
Prep Time: 45 minutes
Rest time: 2-3 weeks

• 2-3lbs cucumbers, sliced
• Fresh Cilantro
• Fresh Dill
• Fresh red, skinny chiles (whole)
• White Vinegar
• 1/2 Red onion, THINLY sliced 
• 1/2 cup Sriracha 
• 10 large Garlic Cloves
• Pickle Crisp (Calcium Chloride) *optional, but worth it
• Water
• Pickling Salt
• Sugar

1) Sterilize your mason jars! Botulism is bad!

2) Add 2 sprigs of dill, a few slices of red onion, 2 sprigs of cilantro,  1 chile pepper, clove or two of garlic and 1/4 tsp of calcium bottom of your jars

4) Make a LARGE bowl of ice water  Slice your cucumbers and add them to the ice bath. Let them sit for 30 minutes to chill!

5) In a large sauce pot, on medium heat, add 1 cup of pickling salt and 1/2 cup sugar to 3 1/2 cups of white, distilled vinegar. Next add the Sriracha. Stir it up until the brine is warm and the salt is fully dissolved.

6) Pack your icy cukes into the mason jars with the skin facing outward, toward the glass. I've found that it's easier to pack them that way. ***Now... TASTE THE BRINE! Is it TOO salty? TOO sweet? Too hot? Not spicy enough? Cucumbers harbor a TON of water which helps to dissolve the spicy tang. If the brine is too much for your tastebuds, add some water to it. If you think you went too light on the heat, add another chile or 1/4 cup of Sriracha*** 

"Pickles have been around for a looong time. Cleopatra got her good looks from eating a healthy diet of pickles. And come to think of it, Christopher Columbus was the first to introduce pickles to the New World... along with smallpox... and slavery."



7) Pour your hot liquid over the packed cucumbers and fill until the brine just covers the top of the spears. Put a lid on it and immediately put those bad boys in the fridge. They should be ready to eat in one week, but wait until week three. (They taste better the longer they rest) I know, I know... "I have to wait three friggin' weeks for these." Yes. Babies need time to incubate before they can be born... and eaten. Wanna jar them and store them, check out my jarring page.

RAJAS!

My beautiful neighbor introduced me to this dish a few years ago. This bad boy wins over every backyard BBQ guest we've ever had. Ever. I call it Mexican potato salad. I also call it, "the bomb." I love it so much, I asked her how to make it. Poblano's are big and tasty right now, too, so, it's a perfect time to get cooking. I dare you not to eat it all yourself. Damn, this stuff is good.

Papas Rajas:
Serves 5-6
Prep time: 20minutes


3-4 large poblano chiles- roasted, peeled and seeded
1 ear of corn- corn removed
1 large onion- thinly sliced
2 cloves garlic
1 tbsp cooking oil
8-10 yellow potatoes (skin on, cubed)
Chicken or vegetable stock - 1/2 cup reserved
1/2 cup half and half
2 heaping tablespoons of sour cream or Greek yogurt
1tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
1 cup Monterrey jack cheese or you can use a pre-shredded Mexican blend bag of cheese
*2/3 cup of queso fresco- cut into small chunks- optional, but awesome
Paprika to garnish

Step 1: Get a large pot of water boiling for your potatoes. Drop a few bouillon cubes in there to maximize the flavor or use better than bouillon- that's my favorite. (Get the organic vegetable base- the other stuff is loaded with MSG) I recommend using stock to cook your potatoes, especially for this dish. You can kill two birds with one stone: After the potatoes cook, you must reserve 1/2 cup of the potato broth for the rajas. Not only does it act as a flavor enhancer, but, it also acts as a thickening agent. Check and mate. Once the potatoes are soft (not mushy) drain them and set aside. Don't forget to reserve 1/2 cup of the broth!!

Step 2: *Roast your poblanos, remove the "skin" and seeds and slice them into small strips. Watch one of these tutorials on how it's done.

Gas stove or grill: Watch this
Electric stove: Watch this

*Now, this is the crucial step where you decide how spicy you want your dish to be. Want it somewhat spicy? Keep some seeds and some of the membrane (white parts).  Not too spicy? Leave them out. My verdict? Go spicy!

Step 3: In a large pan, add 1 tbsp of oil and your strips of onions, poblanos and corn. Sauté them together for 4 minutes, on medium heat. Add your pressed garlic cloves and some salt and freshly ground pepper.

Next, turn your pan to medium high heat. Push the pepper mixture to the side of the pan and add 1 tbsp of butter and 1tbsp of flour. (Yes, you're making a roux) Stir that around and immediately add your half and half and reserved stock.

Add the shredded cheese. Let those cook together and thicken.

Once it has thickened,  put the mixture on a lower heat and add the potatoes. Let that simmer together for another 5 minutes.

Finally, add the sour cream and queso fresco and take it off of the heat to thicken and rest a bit. It will burn like hell fire if you don't.

Serve this dish warm or at room temperature. Add more cheese if you want a thicker consistency. Add more cream if you desire a thinner consistency. Taste before you serve it!

Does it need more salt? Pepper? Adjust this dish to YOUR taste buds... not mine.

I guarantee that you will loooooooove it! The corn compliments the spicy/smoky chilies so nicely- and forget about the creamy cheesy-ness of it all. This is an excellent, excellent compliment to any dinner or BBQ side dish. Be sure to get some for yourself. It won't last long. Trust me on this.

G-Free: Crack Brownies

"Gluten free shouldn't taste this good." -My big, picky, construction worker husband

Why the gluten free-ness, you ask? Well, I'm noticing a difference in my migraine tolerance (less frequent/less powerful head issues) and my kangaroo pouch. My gut is getting smaller. I'm not phasing out wheat completely, though. I don't have celiac's, after all, and I'm no Epi pen candidate, but, I'm scaling way, waaaay back on the processed wheat/sugar crap. I was looking on the interwebs to find SOMETHING that everyone in the Kertney household could enjoy. I found a rather involved recipe, made it, and noticed that it was missing a few things in the, "taste good" department. I simplified it, kept it relatively healthy, and I'll be damned if I don't crave them. Besides, if my husband likes them (and he's a brownie purist), then I know it's a winner. My kids, on the other hand, aren't big fans, but, I'm fine with that. More for me! 


G-Free Crack Brownies
Yields 12-18 squares (depending on your slices)

Prepare a square brownie pan with parchment paper or saran wrap. Line the whole thing with it. 

For the bottom brownie part, in a food processor, add:

1/2 cup whole pecans 
1 tsp salt
1 cup chopped dates, preferably unsweetened
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 heaping tbsp coco or cacao powder  
2/3 cup almond meal 
1 tbsp coconut oil, melted


Blend the pecans first, then the dates. Add the remaining ingredients and blend together until it makes a nice, Playdoh-like, consistency. Add to your lined brownie pan. Press your dark brownie dough, evenly, around the pan.  Step two... 

For the cookie dough , in a mixing bowl or KitchenAid, add: 

1 cup Almond Meal
1 cup Coconut powder 
1/3 cup raw coconut flakes
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp honey
3 tbsp coconut milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup melted coconut oil 
Dark Chocolate chips (you choose how much. I'd say 1/2 cup +) 

Blend all of these ingredients together and add it to the brownie pan, on top of your brownie concoction. When it is evenly distributed, cover the pan and refrigerate it for a few hours. Slice them into squares, and nom, nom, nom... 

If you like chocolate and coconut, this is the brownie for you, my friend. A brownie that you don't have to feel bad about eating... EVER!  

PS: I'd keep them refrigerated. They taste better that way.

Sirloin Porter Stew

Confession time. I had all of the ingredients for Guinness stew... 

But no Guinness. 

Son of a *****!!!  

Time to improvise! Lucky for me, my husband makes beer. He just so happened to have made a London style porter. Porters are a dark beer, right?  Sure, they're slightly more intense, with more malt than a stout... 

My mom, rest her soul, always said, "Beggars can't be choosers." 

Porter it is.

 I'm not saying that you can't make this recipe with Guinness. Go for it! I'm sure that it would taste just dandy! (Let me know how it goes down) But, I'm glad that I didn't have any Guinness... 

This time.  

Irish Porter Stew 
Serves 12 (Yes, this will feed an army)
Prep time: 20 min
Cook time: 4 hours

2 packages o'pre-cut chuck sirloin "stew meat"
3 thick pieces o'bacon- chopped
1 large onion- quartered
3 large carrots, peeled and chopped into BSP's (Bite. Sized. Pieces)
1 pkg white mushrooms, halved
6 turnips-  BSP's
5-8 Brussel sprouts- halved
5-6 peeled potatoes- BSP's
1 large celery stalk-  large chunks

1 can diced tomatoes
1 small can tomato paste
2 boxes of beef stock
1 can/bottle of London style porter or Guinness

2 sprigs of fresh thyme- chopped
2 Bay leaves
4 large garlic cloves- pressed
1/4 cup salt
Lots O'Freshly ground pepper
1 cup flour
2 tbsp cornstarch


In a big ol' ziplock bag, add your stew meat, salt, pepper, garlic and flour. Smush it up and let it sit. Prepare a cookie sheet with some tin foil and spray oil. Set your broiler to "high."

Grab yourself the biggest stew pot or dutch oven, with a lid, that you have. On medium heat, add your bacon slices and fry 'em up with your onions. After the bacon is nicely browned, remove them from the pan and set aside. Keep the grease in there, though...

Add the stew meat to the cookie sheet and broil for a good 10+ minutes. You know they're done when your sirloin bits are nicely browned and you have a good bit of "meat juice"on the bottom of the cookie pan. While the bits are roasting, however...

Add your fresh vegetables, thyme, and bay leaves, to the dutch oven. Let those roll around in the drippings for 5 minutes until they slightly browned-- You'll notice a brownish "char" on the carrots and Brussels sprouts. Next, add 1box of stock to deglaze the pot.  Once all of the drippings have released, add the can of of tomatoes and the beer.  Add the stew meat and all of it's drippings once they are finished broiling. Next, add the can of tomato paste and stir it around until the paste is well incorporated.

Let that simmer, (low-medium heat), covered, for 2- 2.5 hours. Stir it occasionally.

"This stuff is world class." -Mr. Mike

** IF THE STARCH FROM THE TATERS DIDN'T THICKEN IT UP THE WAY YOU'D HOPED... In the final 30 minutes of cooking, in a separate container, add the cornstarch and 1/2 of the other box of stock. Mix the two together and add to your stew. Turn to high heat, stir, and let it thicken. Once it's thickened (maybe takes 3 minutes) drop the heat down to low and let it rest for the final 20minutes.

TASTE IT! Does it need more salt? Pepper? Add them, to taste, and serve it up with a big hunk o' soda bread. (sour cream is optional) Be sure to set Pandora to the Celtic channel for an overall experience.  Oh, and don't forget to pour yourself a Guinness... or a porter? A'hem.


PS: I served this stew at my St. Patrick's Day Féasta just the other day. The stew was a big hit.  The sirloin was like butter. Delish! If you are looking for more beer themed, Irish fare, check out my recipe for Beer Battered fish. Best damn cod planks you'll ever, EVER, eat! Don't even get me started on the slaw. Another good one is, taters au' gratin. Believe it or not, the traditional Celtic grub for St. Paddy's day isn't corned beef and cabbage;  It's ham and potatoes (and cabbage). This Au Gratin recipe will NOT disappoint. I have an un-Shephards pie that's pretty tasty, too.

Be sure to choose a nice, traditional, tasty, Irish meal for St. Paddy's day, or you'll have to repeat after me:  Be sure to say the following in your BEST Irish accent. Say it quickly.

Wale.  Oil.  Beef.  Hooked. 

Slainte!

 PS: I MADE THIS WITH GUINNESS JUST YESTERDAY.  T'WAS EXCELLENT!