Pumpkin Muffins with Spiced Mascarpone Cream

Stock up on the puree, kids, because the pumpkin spiced apocalypse is upon us! I'm also riding the Paleopocalypse. Judge if you must, but, my migraines have subsided and my stomach no longer "muffins" over my jeans. Hell, I haven't been this smaller size in a long, long time. Speaking of muffins... try these bad boys right here! My husband thought they were awesome... and he's a Paleo pessimist.
SHAZAM!

Paleo Pumpkin Muffins:

Yields:  12 large muffins 

Prep: 15min   Bake: 55min  350º

1 cup Almond flour 

1 cup Coconut flour (sifted)

3/4 cup Pumpkin Puree 

3 Lg eggs

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

2 tsp pumpkin pie spice 

1/4 cup honey

1/4 cup coconut sugar

1 heaping tbsp Almond Butter

1tsp coconut oil (melted)

1/4 cup water

1/2tsp sea salt

*1/3 cup dark chocolate chips

*1/3 cup chopped pecans

*1/4 cup flaxseeds 

-------

2 tbsp mascarpone cheese

The rest of the can of pumpkin puree 

1 tbsp honey

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice

Line your cupcake pan with muffin cups. Mix all of the muffin ingredients together. You'll notice that the consistency is somewhat lumpy. The coconut flour tends to do that- doesn't hurt the baking process a bit! Scoop the batter into the muffin cups and bake in a preheated oven for 50-60min at 350º.  *Feel free to omit these ingredients... but I wouldn't if I were you. They are so, so, sooooo gooood in this muffin! The muffins are ready when they are golden brown.

For the mascarpone filling:  Mix all of the ingredients together and chill while the muffins are baking. Add a dollop onto a warm muffin and DIG IN! You can eat TWO of these bad boys and it only counts as ONE SERVING?!  HELLO!

Simple Fruit Fly Trap: Kill those little S.O.B.'s!

No, this isn't a food recipe... unless you like fruit flies? They drive me bonkers!!!

Fruit flies are a real pain in the arse right around this time! Lucky for you, I have an irresistible trap... and I bet you have all of the things you need to create one:

1 Mason Jar (or a glass/cup)
1 Rubber band
1 piece of plastic wrap
1/4 cup of cider vinegar
1 squirt of liquid dish soap
1 splash of water

Combine the liquids in the mason jar. Cover the top with saran wrap and place the rubber band around it. Stretch the plastic wrap so it is tight across the top. Shake it up so bubbles appear. With a sharp steak knife, slice three 1" slits in the top of the plastic wrap. Set that bad boy out and walk away.



I guarantee, by the end of the day, you'll have a jar filled with dead flies. Look! Ew!

Peachy Pecan Pumpkin Spiked Ice Cream

I am the proud owner of a Cuisinart ice cream machine... as well as one BUSHEL of peaches. Oy! I decided to reserve a few from my canning endeavors and combine my love of peaches with my love of pumpkin spiced, well... everything. 

Be forewarned, this combination of heavy cream, nutmeg, and peaches is stupid good.

Stupid good. 

Peachy Pumpkin Spiced Ice Cream:  
Makes 1.5 quarts/ 10 Servings 

1 cup whole, (natural) milk 

2 cups of (natural) heavy cream

1 pinch of salt

3/4 cup of sugar 

1/2 cup of local honey 

4 medium, fresh peaches, skinned and diced

3 tsp pure vanilla extract

2 tsp pumpkin pie spice 

1/2 cup crushed pecans 

In a bowl, mix all of your ingredients together, except the honey and pecans. Cover and refrigerate overnight. Be sure to place your freeze bowl attachment in the freezer.

When you are ready to churn the ice cream (Ha! "Churn." More like, "push the 'start button") add the mixture to the freeze bowl and get that bad boy going! 

Once you notice the mixture creaming together, add your pecans. After the ice cream hardens, drizzle in the honey. You want to have hard bits of sweet honey hitting your taste buds! 

20 minutes later and VOILA! You have a delicious, all natural, ice cream.  If you want to reduce your artificial sugar intake, use all honey, but, slowly heat it together with the whole milk and then refrigerate. 

If you need more instructions on this, just leave me a message and I'll fill you in. 

If you're looking for MORE peach recipes, preferably of the jarring variety, check out my recipes devoted to peaches: Chutney and Habanero Peach BBQ. 

JAR 'DEM PICKLES!

Pickling is so damn easy. Refrigerator pickles or old fashioned brined pickles, makes no difference: You'll need the same ingredients, the same containers and a little patience.

• Ice water
• Cucumbers (3-4lbs)
• Vinegar (4 cups)
• Dill (a couple handfulls) 
• Garlic (1 bulb)
• Pickling Salt
• Sugar
• *Alum
• *Whole Peppercorns
• * Mustard seeds
• *Calcium Chloride (Pickle Crisp)

SLICERS VS PICKLERS! First, before you begin, let's talk CUKE! Do you have the right kind? There's a difference between your standard English salad cucumber (left) and a pickling cucumber (right). The skin on the cukes to the left are tougher and slightly bitter, while the cukes to the right have a thinner skin and a sweeter consistency... Perfect for CRUNCH!  I'm not saying you can't pickle the cucumbers to the left. Not at all! But, they aren't going to be those crispy pickles that you imagined. Trust me.

VINEGAR! GET CREATIVE! 
Don't be afraid to mix it up! I make an INSANE asian inspired pickle that I mix with seasoned rice wine vinegar. In another recipe, I use apple cider vinegar for my tart-n-tangy mix. The sky is the limit! Don't be afraid to try new things. Hint: Add some hot peppers in there for a spicy kick with a white/cider vinegar mix!

ADDITIVES: Calcium Chloride and Alum are both food additives. The Calcium Chloride in "Pickle Crisp" is a firming agent. It helps to preserve the ripeness of the cucumber, keeping it crisp, specifically with hot brining. Alum is "iffy."  It can create a crisper pickle, but, too much can cause bitterness to the brine. I would choose the Alum over a grape leaf, though. (Many old fashioned pickling recipes call for a grape leaf to be placed at the bottom of the mason jar. Grape leaves have tannins that help naturally ripen the cuke, but, it also releases those bitter tannins into the brine, leaving you with a funky spear) If you aren't an über organic cook, go with the CC. PS: You don't need these if you are cold packing your pickles. 

Terrifically Tangy Pickles:

(Refrigerator or Old Fashioned Brine) 

It's a BAP: Big Ass Pickler
(next to a Zucchini) 

1) Sterilize your mason jars! Botulism is bad!  (I used the big mason's for this project. My cukes got HUGE this year. No seriously... check it out!
2) Add some dill, a clove or two of garlic and 1/4 tsp of CC or Alum to the bottom of your jars
3) If you have them, add 1/2 tsp of whole peppercorns and mustard seeds.
4) Make a LARGE bowl of ice water  Slice your cucumbers and add them to the ice bath. Let them sit for 20 minutes to chill!
*5) In another bowl dissolve 1 cup of pickling salt and 1/2 sugar to 3 1/2 cups of white, distilled vinegar. Add 1/2 cup of cider vinegar

*** If you are going old fashioned, simmer #5's ingredients ***

6) Pack your icy cukes into the mason jars with the skin facing outward, toward the glass. I've found that it's easier to pack them that way.

Now... TASTE THE BRINE! Is it TOO salty? TOO sweet? Remember this is a super tangy version of dill pickles. Cucumbers harbor a TON of water already that helps to dissolve the tang. If the brine is too much for your tastebuds, add some water to it.  

7) Pour your cold or hot liquid over them and fill until the brine just covers the top of the spears and put a lid on it. If you are cold packing, immediately put those bad boys in the fridge. They should be ready to eat in 2 days. (They'll taste better the longer they rest, though) If you are hot brining the old fashioned way, seal them and drop them in a canning bath for 15 minutes. Let them rest until cool and they should be ready to eat within a few weeks. If you are new to the jarring process, check on my Jarring101: On the Cheap info.

Wanna make SRIRACHA PICKLES? 

GO GREEK! Souvlaki & Tzatziki Gyros

LESSON IN GREEK:

1) "Gyro" is pronounced "yee-roh."

2) The yummy cucumber sauce is called "Tzatziki" <sats-ee-kee>

3) The chicken, beef, pork or lamb pieces inside of your gyro is souvlaki. <soo-vlah-kee> Typically, the souvlaki is grilled on a skewer, like a kabob, with various spices.

Tzatziki

In a food processor, blend...

1/2 cucumber (skin on)

2 large garlic cloves,

lemon juice

1 tbsp fresh dill

1 turn of Olive Oil

salt to taste

Remove from processor, strain most of the water and add to

a bowl. 
Next add

1 cup of 2% greek yogurt (Faye is the best) and stir together. Reserve this in fridge until ready to serve.

**Rice is totally up to you, but, I like to use basmati with a hint of lemon juice**

Souvlaki

4oz of chicken breasts or sirloin or pork and cube into bite sized pieces. Tenderize them and put them in a large ziplock bag. Next add:

1 tbsp each: Oregano, mint, dill
2tbsp turn of olive oil

2 tsp each S & P

Brown in a skillet on high or grill on skewers until completely cooked.

In a warm pita, add a dollop of tzatziki, your chicken (or whatever meat you made), rice, feta cheese,

diced tomatoes, red onions, lettuce and Kalamata olives. In this Gyro, I'm using kale and romaine lettuce. I'm also using a wheat pita to save on the calories. All in all, this BIG, FAT, GREEK pita is around 400 calories. You can LOAD this sucker and still be eating healthy. Got leftovers? Take this bad boy with you for lunch and use the ingredients like a salad. Use the following dressing recipe and dig in. 

Yes, you'll want a mint. The cucumber sauce packs a garlicky wallop! Omit the mint if you deliberately want co-workers to leave you the 'eff alone.

450calories: Korean Quinoa

FYI: That Q-word is pronounced, "keen-wah." There. Now we can proceed. 

Quinoa is the new SUPER FOOD that is sweeping the nation. Contrary to popular belief, however, Quinoa has been a South American food staple since Machu Picchu. Not so new, now is it?

Quinoa resembles couscous or millet and is commonly mistaken for a grain. It's actually a seed from the goosefoot plant and grown almost exclusively in South America, although American farmers are trying to harvest it here. The Incas cultivated and dined on Quinoa for thousands of years.

This versatile little grain-like seed is loaded with 9 essential amino acids, thus deeming it a complete protein. Score! It is cooked just like rice, yet, has a shorter steaming time and it is way, way, waaaaay better for you. I have a few of my friends (and my husband) stick their nose up at Quinoa claiming that the taste can be "bitter" or "soapy." You must RINSE your Quinoa before you prepare it (unless is is already pre-rinsed) or you will be privy to it's saponins. Saponins are a plants natural immune system and are what can give Quinoa it's funny taste.

This recipe we are going to use combines an ancient South American staple (quinoa) and an ancient Korean staple (gochucjang). My gym friend told me if I could, "make Quinoa taste good," she'd give it another chance. I do believe I have found a way. I served this to my husband and he TORE. IT. UP. This recipe is cost friendly, simple and time effective. You can make this dish in 20 minutes. Check and mate. Enjoy!

KOREAN QUINOA

I found both at Walmart (of all places) 

Prep: 10 min.
Cook time: 20min.
Serves 2-3

1 cup quinoa
1 2/3 cup stock (chicken or vegetable)

5 chicken tenderloins, diced
2 tbsp Gochujang
2 tbsp Rice wine Vinegar- seasoned
1 tbsp olive oil
Snowpeas (2-3 handfulls) vertically sliced
5 baby carrots, sliced
Fresh baby spinach (2-3 handfulls)

1/2 cucumber, sliced
red pepper flakes
seasoned rice wine vinegar

In a bowl, thinly slice or "peel" your cucumber. Add 2 table spoons of seasoned rice wine vinegar and red pepper flakes. Toss it around and let it sit in the fridge until you are ready to serve.

In a 2qt pot, take your pre-rinsed quinoa and stock and bring them to a boil. Turn down the heat and cover for 15 minutes at a simmer. Check it often and stir. When your Quinoa is complete, start your chicken.

Coat your chicken in one tablespoon of gochujang and let it sit for a few minutes while you chop up your vegetables (if you haven't already done so). Heat a pan or a wok on high heat. Add your oil and saute your chicken until it is browned. Next add your rice wine vinegar and spinach and saute those until they are wilted. Next add your snow peas and carrots and saute those for a few minutes. Not too long, now. We still want that CRUNCH! Add another tablespoon of gochujong and 2/3 of your quinoa. Stir those together. Now TASTE IT! Does it need salt? More sauce? Alter it to YOUR tastebuds, not mine! Remember, you can throw as many different veggies that your tastebuds desire in this dish. Go crazy! I'm just using what I had on hand.

Serve it in a dish and add your sweet and spicy cucumbers to the top. For extra heat, drizzle some Sriracha on top! YUM!

Egg Drop Noodle soup with Sriracha

T'was the end of the school year for Mrs. Kertney. She was looking forward her summer break and couldn't wait to mash up the celebratory margarita ingredients she had waiting at home. As she was packing away her materials, Mrs. Kertney couldn't help but notice that her throat was feeling funny. "Does my throat hurt," she said to herself as she waved goodbye to another one of her after school students? She came home, stored away a few boxes in the basement, made dinner for her family and curled up in a feverish, chilly mess, unable to swallow anything. A trip to MedExpress the following morning would prove that her margaritas would have to wait. Strep throat had invaded her plans. MOTHER F#@#(&@ER! She needed soup. She didn't have any of the Campbells/Ramen variety and her husband wasn't answering his cell phone to bring her some. SON OF A B*#$! Plan B: Make some!

If you aren't dead on a toilet, you can make this soup. I did it, didn't I? Hell, I had a fever of 102º and my throat was on fire and my joints were pulsating... but I was super hungry and I needed something BESIDES yogurt and tea! Something SUBSTANTIAL that I could swallow dagnabbit!

Side note: Adding cider vinegar to your tea will do WONDERS for your sore throat because of it's high, bacteria killing acidity levels! Cider vinegar and honey is actually pretty tasty in raspberry flavored tea. It's probably tasty in any tea? Try it next time. Two capfuls of cider vinegar in one mug o' tea. 

You can serve your soup in a gold plated Mr. T
Stein for EXTRA power, foo'!  

 EGG DROP NOODLE SOUP... with Sriracha 
1 serving     7 minutes flat

2 cups of vegetable broth
1/4 cup pasta (any kind)
1 Scallion, sliced  (I used kitchen shears and cut them up)
1 egg
1 tsp Teriyaki sauce
Sriracha

Take your broth, sauce and pasta and let it boil for a good 5 minutes. Crack your egg directly into the bowl and stir it around with a fork. You will see it IMMEDIATELY turn white and lumpy. Add your handful of sliced scallions and 1 good squirt of Sriracha. Done.

You have just created a salty, nose opening, protein rich soup that will tame the sorest throat or the stuffiest nose. And... it's a Clean Eat. Now go and make your soup, take an ibuprofen, eat and get some rest. I pitty the Fool who doesn't get his rest!

Side, side note: Cold grapefruit (or grapefruit juice) is ANOTHER awesome sore throat remedy. It literally numbs the pain better than ANYTHING Vicks or Halls can come up with. Sprinkle a little Sugar in the Raw on top of a halved grapefruit and have at it! Thank me later.