Sriracha Pickles: Oh, yeah... I went there.

Like Sriracha? Like pickles? Do you want them to get married and have babies? 

Be forewarned: There's no going back to a regular pickle after this. It took me a few tries to get them right, but, make no mistake my friends. You will eat these bad boys like orange Tic-Tacs on a middle school field trip.  




If there is anyone who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold their boring-ass pickle. PS: I served a few batches of this stuff to paying customers at my friend's restaurant, The Ball Joint. He's got a Sriracha Slam sauce that's outrageously good and a sub that requires a pickle to go with it. Let's just say that the customers liked them... A LOT! 


Easy Cold Pack Sriracha Pickles
Makes 4-5 pint jars  
Prep Time: 45 minutes
Rest time: 2-3 weeks

• 2-3lbs cucumbers, sliced
• Fresh Cilantro
• Fresh Dill
• Fresh red, skinny chiles (whole)
• White Vinegar
• 1/2 Red onion, THINLY sliced 
• 1/2 cup Sriracha 
• 10 large Garlic Cloves
• Pickle Crisp (Calcium Chloride) *optional, but worth it
• Water
• Pickling Salt
• Sugar

1) Sterilize your mason jars! Botulism is bad!

2) Add 2 sprigs of dill, a few slices of red onion, 2 sprigs of cilantro,  1 chile pepper, clove or two of garlic and 1/4 tsp of calcium bottom of your jars

4) Make a LARGE bowl of ice water  Slice your cucumbers and add them to the ice bath. Let them sit for 30 minutes to chill!

5) In a large sauce pot, on medium heat, add 1 cup of pickling salt and 1/2 cup sugar to 3 1/2 cups of white, distilled vinegar. Next add the Sriracha. Stir it up until the brine is warm and the salt is fully dissolved.

6) Pack your icy cukes into the mason jars with the skin facing outward, toward the glass. I've found that it's easier to pack them that way. ***Now... TASTE THE BRINE! Is it TOO salty? TOO sweet? Too hot? Not spicy enough? Cucumbers harbor a TON of water which helps to dissolve the spicy tang. If the brine is too much for your tastebuds, add some water to it. If you think you went too light on the heat, add another chile or 1/4 cup of Sriracha*** 

"Pickles have been around for a looong time. Cleopatra got her good looks from eating a healthy diet of pickles. And come to think of it, Christopher Columbus was the first to introduce pickles to the New World... along with smallpox... and slavery."



7) Pour your hot liquid over the packed cucumbers and fill until the brine just covers the top of the spears. Put a lid on it and immediately put those bad boys in the fridge. They should be ready to eat in one week, but wait until week three. (They taste better the longer they rest) I know, I know... "I have to wait three friggin' weeks for these." Yes. Babies need time to incubate before they can be born... and eaten. Wanna jar them and store them, check out my jarring page.

RAJAS!

My beautiful neighbor introduced me to this dish a few years ago. This bad boy wins over every backyard BBQ guest we've ever had. Ever. I call it Mexican potato salad. I also call it, "the bomb." I love it so much, I asked her how to make it. Poblano's are big and tasty right now, too, so, it's a perfect time to get cooking. I dare you not to eat it all yourself. Damn, this stuff is good.

Papas Rajas:
Serves 5-6
Prep time: 20minutes


3-4 large poblano chiles- roasted, peeled and seeded
1 ear of corn- corn removed
1 large onion- thinly sliced
2 cloves garlic
1 tbsp cooking oil
8-10 yellow potatoes (skin on, cubed)
Chicken or vegetable stock - 1/2 cup reserved
1/2 cup half and half
2 heaping tablespoons of sour cream or Greek yogurt
1tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
1 cup Monterrey jack cheese or you can use a pre-shredded Mexican blend bag of cheese
*2/3 cup of queso fresco- cut into small chunks- optional, but awesome
Paprika to garnish

Step 1: Get a large pot of water boiling for your potatoes. Drop a few bouillon cubes in there to maximize the flavor or use better than bouillon- that's my favorite. (Get the organic vegetable base- the other stuff is loaded with MSG) I recommend using stock to cook your potatoes, especially for this dish. You can kill two birds with one stone: After the potatoes cook, you must reserve 1/2 cup of the potato broth for the rajas. Not only does it act as a flavor enhancer, but, it also acts as a thickening agent. Check and mate. Once the potatoes are soft (not mushy) drain them and set aside. Don't forget to reserve 1/2 cup of the broth!!

Step 2: *Roast your poblanos, remove the "skin" and seeds and slice them into small strips. Watch one of these tutorials on how it's done.

Gas stove or grill: Watch this
Electric stove: Watch this

*Now, this is the crucial step where you decide how spicy you want your dish to be. Want it somewhat spicy? Keep some seeds and some of the membrane (white parts).  Not too spicy? Leave them out. My verdict? Go spicy!

Step 3: In a large pan, add 1 tbsp of oil and your strips of onions, poblanos and corn. Sauté them together for 4 minutes, on medium heat. Add your pressed garlic cloves and some salt and freshly ground pepper.

Next, turn your pan to medium high heat. Push the pepper mixture to the side of the pan and add 1 tbsp of butter and 1tbsp of flour. (Yes, you're making a roux) Stir that around and immediately add your half and half and reserved stock.

Add the shredded cheese. Let those cook together and thicken.

Once it has thickened,  put the mixture on a lower heat and add the potatoes. Let that simmer together for another 5 minutes.

Finally, add the sour cream and queso fresco and take it off of the heat to thicken and rest a bit. It will burn like hell fire if you don't.

Serve this dish warm or at room temperature. Add more cheese if you want a thicker consistency. Add more cream if you desire a thinner consistency. Taste before you serve it!

Does it need more salt? Pepper? Adjust this dish to YOUR taste buds... not mine.

I guarantee that you will loooooooove it! The corn compliments the spicy/smoky chilies so nicely- and forget about the creamy cheesy-ness of it all. This is an excellent, excellent compliment to any dinner or BBQ side dish. Be sure to get some for yourself. It won't last long. Trust me on this.

G-Free: Crack Brownies

"Gluten free shouldn't taste this good." -My big, picky, construction worker husband

Why the gluten free-ness, you ask? Well, I'm noticing a difference in my migraine tolerance (less frequent/less powerful head issues) and my kangaroo pouch. My gut is getting smaller. I'm not phasing out wheat completely, though. I don't have celiac's, after all, and I'm no Epi pen candidate, but, I'm scaling way, waaaay back on the processed wheat/sugar crap. I was looking on the interwebs to find SOMETHING that everyone in the Kertney household could enjoy. I found a rather involved recipe, made it, and noticed that it was missing a few things in the, "taste good" department. I simplified it, kept it relatively healthy, and I'll be damned if I don't crave them. Besides, if my husband likes them (and he's a brownie purist), then I know it's a winner. My kids, on the other hand, aren't big fans, but, I'm fine with that. More for me! 


G-Free Crack Brownies
Yields 12-18 squares (depending on your slices)

Prepare a square brownie pan with parchment paper or saran wrap. Line the whole thing with it. 

For the bottom brownie part, in a food processor, add:

1/2 cup whole pecans 
1 tsp salt
1 cup chopped dates, preferably unsweetened
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 heaping tbsp coco or cacao powder  
2/3 cup almond meal 
1 tbsp coconut oil, melted


Blend the pecans first, then the dates. Add the remaining ingredients and blend together until it makes a nice, Playdoh-like, consistency. Add to your lined brownie pan. Press your dark brownie dough, evenly, around the pan.  Step two... 

For the cookie dough , in a mixing bowl or KitchenAid, add: 

1 cup Almond Meal
1 cup Coconut powder 
1/3 cup raw coconut flakes
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp honey
3 tbsp coconut milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup melted coconut oil 
Dark Chocolate chips (you choose how much. I'd say 1/2 cup +) 

Blend all of these ingredients together and add it to the brownie pan, on top of your brownie concoction. When it is evenly distributed, cover the pan and refrigerate it for a few hours. Slice them into squares, and nom, nom, nom... 

If you like chocolate and coconut, this is the brownie for you, my friend. A brownie that you don't have to feel bad about eating... EVER!  

PS: I'd keep them refrigerated. They taste better that way.

Sirloin Porter Stew

Confession time. I had all of the ingredients for Guinness stew... 

But no Guinness. 

Son of a *****!!!  

Time to improvise! Lucky for me, my husband makes beer. He just so happened to have made a London style porter. Porters are a dark beer, right?  Sure, they're slightly more intense, with more malt than a stout... 

My mom, rest her soul, always said, "Beggars can't be choosers." 

Porter it is.

 I'm not saying that you can't make this recipe with Guinness. Go for it! I'm sure that it would taste just dandy! (Let me know how it goes down) But, I'm glad that I didn't have any Guinness... 

This time.  

Irish Porter Stew 
Serves 12 (Yes, this will feed an army)
Prep time: 20 min
Cook time: 4 hours

2 packages o'pre-cut chuck sirloin "stew meat"
3 thick pieces o'bacon- chopped
1 large onion- quartered
3 large carrots, peeled and chopped into BSP's (Bite. Sized. Pieces)
1 pkg white mushrooms, halved
6 turnips-  BSP's
5-8 Brussel sprouts- halved
5-6 peeled potatoes- BSP's
1 large celery stalk-  large chunks

1 can diced tomatoes
1 small can tomato paste
2 boxes of beef stock
1 can/bottle of London style porter or Guinness

2 sprigs of fresh thyme- chopped
2 Bay leaves
4 large garlic cloves- pressed
1/4 cup salt
Lots O'Freshly ground pepper
1 cup flour
2 tbsp cornstarch


In a big ol' ziplock bag, add your stew meat, salt, pepper, garlic and flour. Smush it up and let it sit. Prepare a cookie sheet with some tin foil and spray oil. Set your broiler to "high."

Grab yourself the biggest stew pot or dutch oven, with a lid, that you have. On medium heat, add your bacon slices and fry 'em up with your onions. After the bacon is nicely browned, remove them from the pan and set aside. Keep the grease in there, though...

Add the stew meat to the cookie sheet and broil for a good 10+ minutes. You know they're done when your sirloin bits are nicely browned and you have a good bit of "meat juice"on the bottom of the cookie pan. While the bits are roasting, however...

Add your fresh vegetables, thyme, and bay leaves, to the dutch oven. Let those roll around in the drippings for 5 minutes until they slightly browned-- You'll notice a brownish "char" on the carrots and Brussels sprouts. Next, add 1box of stock to deglaze the pot.  Once all of the drippings have released, add the can of of tomatoes and the beer.  Add the stew meat and all of it's drippings once they are finished broiling. Next, add the can of tomato paste and stir it around until the paste is well incorporated.

Let that simmer, (low-medium heat), covered, for 2- 2.5 hours. Stir it occasionally.

"This stuff is world class." -Mr. Mike

** IF THE STARCH FROM THE TATERS DIDN'T THICKEN IT UP THE WAY YOU'D HOPED... In the final 30 minutes of cooking, in a separate container, add the cornstarch and 1/2 of the other box of stock. Mix the two together and add to your stew. Turn to high heat, stir, and let it thicken. Once it's thickened (maybe takes 3 minutes) drop the heat down to low and let it rest for the final 20minutes.

TASTE IT! Does it need more salt? Pepper? Add them, to taste, and serve it up with a big hunk o' soda bread. (sour cream is optional) Be sure to set Pandora to the Celtic channel for an overall experience.  Oh, and don't forget to pour yourself a Guinness... or a porter? A'hem.


PS: I served this stew at my St. Patrick's Day Féasta just the other day. The stew was a big hit.  The sirloin was like butter. Delish! If you are looking for more beer themed, Irish fare, check out my recipe for Beer Battered fish. Best damn cod planks you'll ever, EVER, eat! Don't even get me started on the slaw. Another good one is, taters au' gratin. Believe it or not, the traditional Celtic grub for St. Paddy's day isn't corned beef and cabbage;  It's ham and potatoes (and cabbage). This Au Gratin recipe will NOT disappoint. I have an un-Shephards pie that's pretty tasty, too.

Be sure to choose a nice, traditional, tasty, Irish meal for St. Paddy's day, or you'll have to repeat after me:  Be sure to say the following in your BEST Irish accent. Say it quickly.

Wale.  Oil.  Beef.  Hooked. 

Slainte!

 PS: I MADE THIS WITH GUINNESS JUST YESTERDAY.  T'WAS EXCELLENT! 

Sweet and Sassy Paleo Ballz

Balls are SWEEPING our area. Yes, you read that correctly.
The new Beaver Falls restaurant, The Ball Joint, moved in and people are raving over it's gourmet meatballs- including yours truly. My daughter and I had the pleasure of enjoying some of the Ball Join't s lunch fare. I dunno what it is with this guy's balls, but, I love the taste that they leave in my mouth.

Yes. The ball humor runneth over. You can't help it.

In my quest for the perfect balls, I am also on a gluten free/ paleo-ish kick. I find that the added crap in everyday wheat products give me migraines and binds my stomach up something awful. Christmas time was a key indicator about my problems with gluten after I abandoned my nutrition for sugary, starchy, eat whatever-the-hell-I-want food: My head throbbed, my energy was low and my stomach was toe' up!  How was I going to replicate meatballs without the breadcrumbs? This is where Quinoa comes in handy.


Makes 1 dozen large balls

1 pkg Ground chicken
1 cup pre-cooked quinoa
1 egg
2 tsp salt
A few turns of freshly ground pepper
1 large clove garlic, pressed
2 tbsp fresh parsley (optional)

*1 cup Panko Optional

1 tbsp Olive Oil

1 cup Fresh pineapple slices
1 scallion, diced
1/4 cup seasoned rice wine vinegar
1/ 4 cup Sweet Chili Sauce
1tbsp Sriracha

Set your oven for 350º

Line a cookie sheet with foil and spray with oil

In a mixing bowl, add your ground chicken, quinoa, egg, salt, pepper and garlic. Mix all of the ingredients together and form them into golf ball sized balls. Yes, they will be sticky.  Shape them all into balls before cooking them. It evens cooking time. *If you aren't on a huge Gluten Free/ Paleo kick, roll those bad boys around in Panko bread crumbs* In a large pan on medium heat, add your olive oil. Wait 'til the pan is hot before placing your ballz in the pan. Get them well browned on all sides. Transfer them onto the cookie sheet and bake for 20 minutes.

In the same pan that you seared your balls, on high heat, add your pineapple and scallions.  Sauté for 3 minutes. Add the vinegar to  deglaze. Turn the heat down to medium low and add the chili sauce and Sriracha. Wait until your balls are thoroughly cooked and add the sauce all over! These are some seriously sweet and sassy balls that you will love to wrap your lips around.

Yes. I went there.

Kids looooooove these meatballs. Awesome handcut fries! 

In the meantime, if you are hankering for a tasty meatball sub, some hand cut fries, pasta, etc., and you happen to live in Beaver County, hit up The Ball Joint!  You won't regret it!

I'm so happy to report that Beaver does, indeed, have balls!

Dipping sauces galore! All made in-house! My favorites?
Chipotle BBQ and Thai Peanut. 

FAKE OUT: World of Beer's, Pint O' Bacon.

World of Beer? Pint of BACON?! Where is this magical place? 

I had the opportunity to join my Honey Badgers (our lady's group name) at World of Beer, Baltimore. World of Beer is a restaurant/ bar with so many craft beer selections on tap... it brought a tear to mine eye. It is also home to an appetizer called, Pint O' Bacon. That's right. It's a pint glass with strips of juicy bacon in it. Not just any bacon, however. Fear not! I figured out the incredibly simple rub that will take your bacon experience to a whole new level. 

Uncured Applewood Smoked Bacon (I'm a bacon snob)

1/4 cup brown sugar

1tbsp Creole seasoning 

Mix the two together really well and put on a plate. Take your fully cooked bacon and roll it around in the heavenly mixture. Voila. 

Feel free to add your creole strips on a sandwich, next to your eggs, or, put some in a pint glass... but, I doubt they make the trip? Nom nom nom nom... 

Honey Badgers 

Wonton Soup

Believe it or not, there are days when I don't want to cook. Blasphemy, I know! So, the family and I will order out. Unfortunately, the Polar Vortex shut just about everything down this past week and I was forced to throw something together. I was cold. So... Soup's on!


You can do this two ways:



1) Make the wontons yourself. Here's how- Wontons/Dumplings

or...

2) Go to TJ's (Trader Joes) and pick up a frozen bag. So far, TJ's has the best pre-made wontons I have tasted- and that INCLUDES the ones at the Asian market. Not too shabby!

WONTON SOUP
Serves 2-4
Prep 20 minutes

• 3 cups water
• 1heaping tsp 'Better Than Bouillon' Organic Vegetable base (LOVE THIS STUFF!!)
• 1 pkg wontons
• 1/2 scallion- green part reserved and sliced
• 1 thinly sliced medium mushroom
• 3 shakes of Teriyaki sauce
• 2 tbsp Seasoned Rice Wine Vinegar
• 2tsp Salt 

Let the water come to a boil and add the bouillon and wontons. Let them boil until fully cooked- they should rise to the top. Turn the heat down to medium. Add the Teriyaki and Vinegar. Add the scallion and mushroom into the serving bowls and ladle the soup on top.  Taste test! There. Done. Tasty and simple.

Tomatillos: Simple Salsa Verde & Hummus

Tomatillos? What do I do with them? 

Make salsa! Better yet...  make hummus! I've got it... DO BOTH!

Tomatillo means "little tomato" in spanish. Tomatillos are a member of the gooseberry family and are a staple in Mexican cuisine.  You can use them just like you would any tomato. They keep longer than red tomatoes; Husk them and I swear that they will stay ripe in the fridge for weeks! You can freeze them, too.

In a food processor add...

• 8 medium Tomatillos, peeled and washed  
• 1 medium onion
• 1 large handful of fresh cilantro (most of the stem removed)
• 10 spanish olives 
• 1 jalapeño pepper (The heat is up to you. Seed it or leave 'em in there. Want it really hot? Roast the jalapeño, first) 

Blend the above ingredients until smooth.

Add the blended tomatillo concoction to a storage container and add...

• 3 tsp salt 
• Freshly cracked pepper
• The juice of one large lime (or two small ones)
• 2 tsp Tajin* (I loooove Tajin!) 

Stir them together and TASTE IT! Adjust the flavor:  Need more salt? More pepper? More heat? It's up to you! You can serve it right away, but, it tastes much, MUCH better after a few hours. Overnight even.

Now. You have a choice: Eat it as salsa... or... go a step further and combine it with some homemade hummus. Duh!

First, make tahini paste, unless you have some store bought stuff? If not:

• 1 cup toasted sesame seeds
• 1/4 cup olive oil

In a food processor, blend the seeds together while drizzling the olive oil into the seeds. Pulse until a paste forms. Scrape the sides of the blender in between pulses. Scrape it out of there and put it in a container.

Now for the HUMMUS:

• In the same food processor add...
• 2 cups of canned chick peas- liquid strained & reserved
• 1tsp salt
• 2 garlic cloves
• The juice of 1 lemon
• 1/3 cup tahini
• 1/2 tsp cumin
• 1/4 cup of tomatillo salsa
• 2 tbsp reserved chickpea water

*Add a tsp of Tomatillo Salsa, Cilantro and Cracked pepper to serve

Pulse all of these bad boys together and VOILA! Heaven. This recipe should satisfy even the veganist Vegan and Paleoist Caveman at any party, anywhere under the flipping sun!